yarnage

alot has happened twixt then and now. too much to recount in the respite i have while bébé is snuggled on my bosom in a sling dreaming of bú (sometimes i can hear her little lips smacking away, other times i have to towel off the drool from my clavicle).

i am planning to blog about her birth by and by. elevator version is: all natural drug-free homebirth; 24 hours in labor; just over an hour of pushing; her hand was right alongside her face (gave me a 2nd degree tear which i chose not to get stitched. healed up nicely. thank the goddess! your yoni is never the same tho); she opened her eyes and started mewling as soon as her mouth emerged, even before her body was even born! she was lifting her head from the get-go, no small feat for a creature whose head practically weighed more than her body. the girl is feisty, headstrong and determined. hmm, wonder who she gets that from? yes, there are birth photos & video, and no, i don't plan on posting them to the blog. my yoni would rather be un-notorious. as i said to the boys hurling beads at me while hollering "show us your tits" in new orleans during mardi gras while T scavenged for lagniappes, "my mama raised me better than that!"

for now, i have found my cosmic yarnage twin--except i am infinitely less skilled at yarn craftage. if you don't have a yarn stash in the eaves, nooks and crannies of your house and if you don't have a profile on ravelry.com, you will not get this. seriously. stop reading.

the morning i went into labor, i bought an "amish" washing machine (bought from that company but hey, it wasn't just a punchline, the online amish store does indeed exist, and has a cool wringer, and who would have guessed that i have an affinity for the pennsylvania deutsch? it's the apocalyptic survivalist-cum-granddaughter of my grandparents in me. what can i say, this may make me white, but i love kitchen gadgets nd household sundries even/especially non-electric ones. i just got a foley food mill earlier this week. now, what can i mill?), 8 skeins of ooh so pretty felting wool (in twins) and two hanks of organic cotton yarn. on sale natch. now my yarn treasure box is overfilling. since it was online, i wasn't able to employ the basic techniques of a Yarn Collector however, i did admire the ooh so pretty felting yarn for months & months, would make rationalizations, put it in my online shopping basket, would be rational, delete it, and would come up with more rationalizations, replace it, and so on and so forth, before succumbing to imminent-labor-onset-major-project hormones and decisively purchased them for forthcoming, small but IMPORTANT projects beyond my skill level which i will diligently and heuristically plunge into. sometime. in the future. when i magically have more free time. projects to be added to my lifetime to-do list which i keep misplacing. now what did i buy them for? it's the post-birth hormones and sleep deprivation that make me forget.

my beloved T-sten doesn't understand why i keep buying more yarn (in singles and duos) or rather how the yarn mysteriously multiplies (duh, it's with the dust bunnies. everyone knows how fecund they are) but we've made a tacit agreement about each other's creative hobbies that he won't ask about the yarnage and i won't ask about the photog accoutrements.

let's chalk it up to another stupid power, my hoarding of nifty household gadgets & yarn. if only i could put this on my resume.

what a wonder

she's here!

introducing VL
born at home on 2.26.2008 at 7.57pm
eyes wide open with her right hand grasping for life and plenty to say
6lbs 4 oz
19 inches of pure determination

38 weeks-lightening

weo, bé's head has dropped. this means that bé's head has descended into the pelvic region & sitting on top of my cervix (this is also called lightening not to be confused with lightning, though it does feel electrifying at times). i've been carrying low for a few weeks now, but wasn't quite ready on any level. bé and i have been in conversation about that; i let bé know i needed a few weeks to get ready. respecting my wishes, bé would yo-yo down for a brief touch & go but not linger for longer than my startled gasp before nestling her/his butt under my ribs again.

i've been doing prenatal chiro (specifically network chiro & webster technique) which has been a major blessing in terms of alleviating my chronic pain and adjusting my pelvis & uterus. last week, chiro told me that my pubic symphisis was torqued & stuck. i wasn't surprised, i've been dealing with that off and on for the last 7 years. sometimes it's been so bad my left leg had been shorter by more than an inch. what made this significant now is that meant that the pregnancy relaxin hormone wasn't getting into that joint and it wasn't loosening up like it's sposed to for birth. i wonder for how many other women have had trauma/injury that's impacted their hips & pelvic joints and don't get prenatal chiro treatment during pregnancy and unknowingly get misdiagnosed with cephalopelvic disorder (meaning baby's head is sposedly too big to fit through the pelvis) resulting in unnecessary C-section. (the US has double the rate of cesareans than what is globally considered safe; 80% of doctors admitted they will perform a cesarean to avoid liability and i'm betting the other 20% do it because they have a golf game in Kauai scheduled.) how many cesareans could be prevented with prenatal chiropractic treatment? anyways, my uterus is finally relatively symmetrical as well. it's funny how your cells & organs have these habitual holding patterns that they like to revert to and it takes a lot of encouragement and de-stressing for them to change for the better. my midwife also had me take evening primrose oil to help soften the joint. and after two painful adjustment sessions last week (fortunately though humans are hardwired to forget pain), my pelvis has been loosening as it should.

last night, T. and i practiced labor exercises and found what works for us both. T. lead me through different relaxation techniques and guided meditation. now that we have the birth tub and our birth team is in place (midwife, midwife's assistant, doula & her assistant), i told bé that it was okay to go deeper into my pelvis now, to start practicing, that we are a team and i need his/her help to get through labor; s/he knows what s/he is sposed to do. immediately, and i do mean immediately, bé went deep. every time i gasped at the electrifying sensation bé would pull back a little until i learned not to greet her/him with such chagrin. and got used to the sensation of a head on my cervix. i'm still getting used to not having a little butt lodged under my ribcage. it rather feels like a tennis ball is lodged in my left pelvis. now i know where the preggo-waddle comes from.

bé stayed down there all night. i could feel her/him in my pelvis every time i got up to go pee or eat. i even had a couple of real contractions last night, not the braxton-hicks uterine tightening, but the uterine menstrual kind.

so, we're getting closer. of course we still have to wait for T. to start parental leave and my mom to get here on the 25th before we'll truly be ready.

the funny thing is that after ignoring me for all of the second trimester, týtý has usurped rồngtý on my lap (what little space there is with a huge belly in the way), is the first to greet me in the mornings (and sometimes when i do my wee hours of the morning wee breaks), gotten even more wily about darting into the bedroom especially in the wee hours, and is generally following me around more than usual. maybe she can sense what's up and is asserting her feminine prerogative to be my midwife. (factoid: feral sister cats will midwife each other and co-raise their kittens together. neat huh! i mean lionesses do it, so its not entirely alien behavior to the genus.) there is something about the energy of birth that transcends species. i've attended two animal births by the mamma's persistent insistence (one was our chowchow Ling-Ling, one was my ex's aunty's cat whose name i forget. she was so appreciative, she tried to give me one of the newborn kittens but i told it needed her more). it remains to be seen how our cats will react to homebirth. they will either go completely spastic and turbo around the house and up the walls which they already do 2-3 times a day (in which case they will be banished to the back bedroom), or they will try to reassure us in their feline fashion as they are wont to do when i'm deep breathing through a braxton. as long as they stay out of the birth tub, we're good.

fertility charm

okay, i've been eagerly anticipating the public release since i first heard in early january. and its finally out...

my sister is pregnant!

i (not so) secretly believe its because i'm her fertility charm. twice now, she hangs out with me on vacation and during that time, lo & behold, she gets pregnant. coincidence or supernatural?

weo, of course her husband has 50% to do with this. duh. but i like to think i have a beneficial effect on the other 50% like alcohol did for my youngest aunty, happy vibes = implantation!

in any case, blessed day! blessed news! more babies!

36 weeks

36 is the magic number. means we are out of preemie range and baby can come any time now. we are conversating with baby asking for at least 3 weeks grace. we still have a few things to be ready. i'm in good spirits, though easily fatigued. we did an Ikea run last sunday. what did i get? irritable. belligerent. somewhat violent. costco makes me that way too. i've gained somewhere along 30 lbs; got abdominal stretchmarks (it's hereditary folks. all the cocoa butter in the world ain't gonna change your genes); navel has not popped; no swelling or shoe size changes; just a gnarly charley horse just in my left calf. i'm back to back sleeping because sleeping on my sides aggravates my herniated disk/pre-existing sciataca and still having lots of braxtons from doing too much. in these last couple of weeks i'm bumping up the prenatal chiro. it helps that T.'s supplemental insurance covers it where my own doesn't. (random good news, my PPO is partially reimbursing us for the homebirth! yay! and for the birthtub! y'know it costs $250 to rent a birth tub from local entrepeneurs. but it costs just $185 to buy one from the Waterbirth non-profit--ok $285 if you buy the accessories kit b/c are you really going to blow it up with your mouth?. so we're buying the hospital grade one which is $300 + kit, getting partially reimbursed and then donating it to our midwife.)

i started maternity leave on friday. it's fantastic! on my last day of work, i was as giddy as a 13 year old after having consumed pixie sticks, pica, and fundip washed down with some pineapple nehi soda. i actually managed to finish editing, laying out & formatting the annual report. or at least as much of it as had actually been turned in to me prior to me leaving. i didn't finish a myriad of other tasks, but i don't seem to care.

of course this meant that i was 35 minutes late to my own "surprise" workplace baby shower. typical. seem like i am always on some deadline minutes before a party in my honor. it was a "surprise" because i hadn't really expected anything (trung lied well for once. should i be concerned at his new ability?) and because it was a combo farewell party for Chanda who left the organization so i didn't it had anything to do with me until Chanda called me that pm to say she was running late from her new job and btw what kind of dessert did i want her to pick up for my party.

friday dawned blue and clear if a trifle crisp. one of the rare clear days of the year thus far. it's been record-breaking storms for the last month interspersed with occasional patches of sun.
a perfect day to begin maternity leave. had my prenatal chiro, ran costco errand with Chanda's help in preparation for the community baby shower. got some great cotton fleece at Stonemountain for a baby blanket, reusable flannel baby wipes, and a co-sleeping pad (why pay $200 for the retail version when mom is gonna help me make one for $50?). this markup on baby products is outrageous for eco-conscious parents on a tiiiight budget. an organic baby blanket can cost in the range of $100. i found the softest organic cotton fleece for $25/yd. slap on some trim and voila. it's a homemade organic blanket for less than $30 plus labor. but that's love so you can't really put a price on that.

of course, i haven't taken my sewing machine out of the storage closet yet. so i'll let you know how i feel about DIY parenting when i'm tangled in interlock thread.

for the crafty among you. here are my upcoming baby projects:
*reusable flannel baby wipes (just need to cut & serge the edges)
*two-sided flannel receiving blanket. still deciding if i should use trim.
*doubleknit big bad baby blanket in alpaca & silk yarn. first i have to finish the blanket for Le-Anh (it's gorgeous btw, Trang)
*co-sleeping pad (mom's helping me with this.)

i will update about my mother's blessingway and the coed baby shower later, when we've uploaded the photos.

suffice to say i feel very blessed to entering the community of mothers. and my girlfriends are amazing. Dr. Tuyen hooked me up with a gorgeous quilt with collective contributions from my gals. 3 weeks, 10 hour days. that's love.

the politics of malpractice

a friend o'mine was concerned about the fact that homebirth midwives do not have malpractice liability insurance. we talked about the financial barriers--most insurance companies refuse to cover midwives or at astronomically unaffordable rates. and i later wrote this to her:

i read this article about malpractice in southwest magazine (i think. pregnancy brain.) a couple of years ago about malpractice and accountability/ethics. the point of having malpractice insurance is in case you get sued. the ethical part of the question comes in when you look at why or when people sue. so the article was saying that its not just having an undesired outcome that makes people sue, but that the majority of malpractice lawsuits occur when they have an undesired outcome and they are dis-informed or ignored by their care provider afterwards when the patient/family try to understand why/what happened and get closure (usually because the care provider is afraid of getting sued, they don't trust their patient, they clam up usually and this is a fairly universal hospital policy/protocol too). the lack of accountability and violation of their trust rightly infuriates people and they sue to get access to the information not primarily for money nor to "reverse" the outcome. they see the monetary damages as a way to teach the hospital/doctor that it should give the information/closure to patients in the first place. and so now, a few hospitals are now trying a new mediating approach where care providers talk to the families after an undesired outcome, give them what information they have, and admit any mistakes and apologize if necessary. the result--the family gets closure & does not pursue a malpractice lawsuit.

from my perspective, insurance in general is designed to financially protect your assets (whether life, car or home); malpractice insurance is really a way for the medical establishment to avoid accountability and to protect their financial assets. its sort of a moot point for most midwives because of the mutual trust building, the ethics of empowering the client/family particularly with information, and accountability to the client. if midwives had to get malpractice insurance, they would go out of business b/c of the expense & barriers. and if they got sued (regardless of insurance or no), they would go out of business. and that's also one of the reasons why many hospitals are reluctant to grant midwives hospital privileges b/c the hospital would be liable in the event of a lawsuit. what makes it moot is that because of the empowerment, trust and relationship, midwives aren't as likely to be in a situation where a family feels like its only recourse to getting closure about an undesired outcome is to sue. really overwhelmingly midwives are sued/persecuted with criminal charges by doctors and hospitals more than you see midwives sued by clients. so that's the larger context. and from my experience, when my niece died at birth last year, the nurse midwife (similar to CNMs in the East Bay, had hospital privileges) came and talked to my sister soon after. and my sister got the closure she needed around how Anabelle died. it didn't change the outcome or her grief, but she understood why/how it happened even as she disagreed with the standard medical procedure to resuscitate.

malpractice insurance doesn't prevent undesired outcomes. that's a part of the package when we choose to have a homebirth. we are informed about risk, outcomes and prevention and empowered to make choices. and thats part of the very small risk we accept to have a normal and safe birth.

malpractice insurance doesnt protect the patient; it protects the doctor.