inward facing dog

weo, i did it, am doing it. i am examining myself and why i've been on such a short fuse--banging cupboard doors and drawers with disproportionate growling irateness (ok, so it still sounds relatively tame but the physical toll, the cellular attrition of such "restraint" is smothering the vitality out of me).

it could be the stress of having 4 jobs at two workplaces and fulltime workload expectations. it could be mine own hot temperment, unresolved grief, and emotional childhood wounds in desperate need of healing. it could be the chafing demands of balancing infinite-love-motherhood with 30+ years of self-centered Self ("i just need mother-fracking 15 minutes" when minutes become hours and whole days pass by). it could be the strain of a relationship deferred to all of the above. and it is all of the above. no duh, but causality is only slightly less ... interesting than the effects, the symptoms of a deteriorating inner life and a dusty social life.

so, i've enacted a 21st millenial cliche. i started doing yoga. downward facing dog has transformed my Life; i refer to my instructor as my guru; i wear OM jewelry, tribal yoga tatts and organic fair trade tibetan hemp parachute pants; my house now has a fountain & shrine dedicated to an eclectic pantheon of hindu and buddhist goddesses; and most importantly, i greet all people with prayer hands and a hushed "namaste" to socially mark my profound spiritual conversion.

ok, mostly a lie. i'm not a smug, middle class white born -again-yogini searching for the meaning of life in the consumption of other people's culture. i have a small soul and a petty mind and i couldn't resist mocking the Smuggles.

i do do yoga though, restorative yoga. it helps me to stretch out muscles rigid with a lifetime of tension, the gimpy arthritic limbs, and the habititude of pain. i am not transformed but then i don't expect instant gratification. it is enough that for one hour, once a week, i can breathe and quiet the riot of a bazillion synapses.

and, i sat down T and admitted the festering emotions--the rage, resentment, almost hatred, and then scariest of all, the nothing, that i sometimes felt. towards him. my bestest friend. the toll that homeownership, marriage, mourning, and now, parenting have taken on my half of the relationship over the last ten plus years.

(to be continued..)

facebook killed the blog-o-sphere star

sigh. i miss blogs.

motherhood is the new irony

my baby, oh my baby,

she is the sun, the moon, the stars,
the universe, the ancestors, the future.
miss her, love her

and when i'm with her,
i wish for 15 goddamn minutes to myself.

motherhood booklist

**new updates!**

it's been a while since my last booklist. so in honor of my new identity in life. it's time for my parenthood booklist

Pregnancy & Birth

• Hearts & Hands: A midwife's guide to pregnancy and birth, 4th ed, by Elizabeth Davis (master midwife) a guide to the care of a pregnant woman and her partner. for someone who only knows the hospital/medical model from TV and movies, this book opens up a new world of caring approach to life's most sacred rite of passage. i took the Hearts & Hands Midwifery Intensive to learn about the field and became a doula through it. i really appreciate Elizabeth's wisdom, sensitivity and spirituality. i'm looking forward to taking more classes with her in the future. who knows i may yet become a midwife myself.
  
• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin (the Mother of Modern Midwifery) down-to-earth and centered in the natural wisdom of women's capacity to birth. positive birthstories along with evidence-based facts. i love the simple truth of the sphincter law. love your yoni.
• Complete Guide to Pregnancy & Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger really talks about the hormonal & biological underpinnings of birth and breastfeeding. though the bias is towards natural birth, the book that equally values the birthing choices that women make, neat week-by-week progression with photos of a mom and graphics of baby and cool photos of waterbirth, homebirth and hospital birth.
• Birthing From Within by Pamela England an intuitive and creative woman-centered, woman-led approach to birthing from labor preparation to comfort techniques.
• Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year by Susun Weed.all the herbal remedies you need to support a woman's constitution before & during pregnancy, during childbirth and postpartum. i learned that all the plants considered weeds by american society are actually medicinal and stem from a long healer tradition of well woman care (or in modern parlance sue them for practicing without a medical license). so patriarchal hegemony didn't just burn some healer-midwives as witches, it also succeeded in vilifying the healer's plants which at that time couldn't be privatized and commidified as with medicine. after all these years post-grad school, i finally discover some meaningful relevance to Weber's thesis about the protestant ethic undergirding capitalism. that's my new excuse for not mowing our lawn. if only i could convince the City Public Works of that cuz you get majorly fined for not mowing your lawn and for having "weeds.
• kellymom.com okay so this isn't a book, but i found the info here on breastfeeding more informative than a certain lactation advocacy organization and even more helpful than my lactation consultant at times (though she was great for moral support!). i totally credit Lily for the referral
  

Parenting

• Our Babies, Our Selves: How Culture and Biology shape the way we parent by Meredith Small the biological roots for cultural parenting practices. reiterated for me why some of my instinctive/cultural modes of parenting like bedsharing, breastfeeding, and diaper-free were what's best for my child in spite of mainstream denunciation.
• Baby Matters: what your doctor may not tell you about caring for your baby by Linda Palmer, DC some folks call this the only book you need for attachment parenting. affirms the set of values as well as backs it up with scientific evidence. really changed the way i think of cow's milk.
• Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra nice little mother affirmations and thoughts to meditate on in the brief snatches of time you get between feedings, pottying/diapering, naps, etc.
• Mothering magazine great articles about natural pregnancy, childbirth and parenting
• Giving the Love that Heals by Harville Hendris & Helen Hunt (no, not that Helen Hunt) about personal transformation and conscious parenting; how to heal your own childhood wounds so you can stop passing on your baggage to your kids.
• All About Love: new visions by bell hooks okay so this isn't about parenting per se. it is about self-actualization and being a loving person.
• Smart Medicine for a Healthier Child, 2nd ed. this is a really great book we received from Szymon as a baby shower gift (awesome!) that lists common childhood ailments and gives you integrated treatments from western/allopathic medicine, homepathic, nutritional supplements, acupressure and herbal treatments. all those inconsolable, fever, projectile vomit ni
  
• Vaccinations: A Thoughful Parent's Guide by Aviva Jill Romm we're trying to make informed choices about vaccine scheduling.
• The Diaper Free Baby: the natural toilet training alternative by Christine Gross-Loh i liked this book for being very flexible and non-zealous about being diaper-free.
  

Honorary mentions

• Fathering Right from the Start: Straight Talk About Pregnancy, Birth andBeyond by Jack Heinowitz

of course, we still have her sausage wrists. although, with all the drumming she does, those too are ever so slightly leaner. still deeleeeshus!

VL turns one today! i miss her baby cankles.

reason number umptillion for breastfeeding:
you get a free pass out of jury duty.