lessons in grieving...

a few months ago, as i mentioned in a previous blog, a friend of ours committed suicide. grief at the depths of his despair left me bereft of words to describe the sorrow i felt for him and his family, at the secret burden he bore; one that so often robs men of their words to speak, cuts them off from emotional contact, and denies them access to their humanity. later i came across a community call for advice from what i realized was his mother-in-law who had a strained relationship with her daughter as a result of her disapproval of her daughter's mate and felt at a loss as how to support her in her grieving. i felt moved to speak... there were word limit constraints so i ended up writing in three parts and deleting a significant portion of my own self context, including how my sister's experience with loss and grieving informed the second portion.

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i write as a fatherless daughter, a mother, and as a person who mourns. first of all, don't let fear of the emotional history/baggage between the two of you become a barrier. more than ever, your daughter needs the unconditional Love and support from those around her, especially her mother. be loving, BE Love. now is the time to let go of your fear, pride/ego and past hurts, and heal your relationship. forgiveness paves the path to healing. in your heart, forgive her for her life-choices that she made without your approval that somehow wronged you and you must forgive her husband for ''what he put her through'', and she in turn will come to forgive you for your judgemental disapproval, past slights, and your lack of unconditional love. whatever you may have thought of him, your daughter and her children LOVE him. is it any surprise that they ''choose'' to be close to his family who can share in that Love, can share in their mutual sorrow, and cherish memories of him? it is not really even a ''choice'' of his family over you, it really is not about you at all. by even thinking of it as a choice, you show that you have closed off your heart and mind to him and by extension her & the children. you made it into a choice, and in doing so, you made that choice for her. feeling hurt or excluded because she is close to his family is about your ego and projecting your needs onto her life, and only pushes her further away. love is infinite. she can be close to his family and close to you, if only you allow it. whatever you may have thought of him, he suffered an unfathomable mental illness one that drove him to end his own life. lingering on your perceptions of the past, on ''how he treated her,'' your bias against him, is not constructive, is not loving, and will only serve to distance you from your daughter and your grandchildren, who are after all, a part of him. if you can forgive him, let go of your need to ''approve'', and pray that his spirit is now mended, that he is free from the suffering & torment that drove him to take his own life, and open yourself to sympathy for him, then you can be present in unconditional Love with your daughter. while you may never understand or feel the depth of her loss & sorrow, you can still feel hurt for her and be empathetic and be a part of her life and her healing journey. you have that choice to make.

second, when people are grieving, many friends make offers of ''call if you need anything''. rarely does the bereaved person call; they don't want to impose or be a burden. they are mired in their grief and don't have the wherewithall to realize they need help, much less ask for it. it's much better to offer some concrete acts of kindness and create space for an opening or opportunity to share. if someone says, ''i'm going to stop by tonight at 5pm with dinner. i can stay if you need to talk, but don't feel pressured.'' or, ''i'm free to come on thursday from 2-4pm to clean your bathroom, do laundry, etc. will that work for you?'' or, ''let me take the kids to a movie on saturday'' then arrange for someone else to be with the person during that time so they're not alone. most people want to be helpful, but just don't know how to go about it. someone who is going through tragedy or even a new mom or a sick friend hates the idea of being a burden. they don't want to make any decisions. as their house is being foreclosed, she is likely struggling financially which is stressful on top of dealing with her grief and being a parent. if you are not able to help them financially or she is unwilling to accept that help, buy them groceries, that is one practical way to ease her stress. there are no hard & fast should and should nots in the tangled emotional issues surrounding their foreclosure situation. rather than offer advice either way, you could try facilitating her decisionmaking by asking her open-ended questions instead. trust her to make the best decisions for herself and her family.

third, grief has no language & children in particular don’t innately have the tools or means to articulate their own grief. as adults, we need to guide them & give them safe spaces to share their feelings. with their father suffering mental illness you want to give them better tools for emotional health. you don’t mention gender & that can also impact the way children express/repress sadness. girls in particular may emulate their mother. children should be allowed to witness their parent & elders grieving & crying, so that they can feel free and safe to be present in their own emotions & to share their own sorrow as well. for a boy, encourage him to express his emotions & to cry when he feels sad because social pressure on males to repress emotions played a role in their father’s depression. don’t underestimate the value of touch. just being held while you are sad is healing. you could trying giving the children a cathartic ritual to creatively express their grief. they could write a letter to their father. you could then make a copy of the letter (saving one copy for for them to revisit & reflect on) & give them the choice of how they would like to send it to their loved one; the child chooses the element that speaks to their own spirit—via the ocean, on the tail of a kite, in a small bonfire, left under a rock or in a tree, at the gravesite, or read out loud in a prayer. if the child is not able to articulate their grief, they could also create something by hand with whatever medium feels comfortable. even for an adult, this little ritual helps to give closure to the raw emotions that the healing may begin. know that grief is a profound emotion that cannot be denied, it leaves a palpable mark on one’s souls. they will live with this loss for their whole lifetimes. your daughter & grandchildren will always feel their loss, every day, every moment, at all life’s rites of passage & meaningful events, they will taste the bittersweet, even as they may also partake in life’s joys. tears of joy & tears of sorrow will be one and the same. there is no contradiction in that. patiently listen to their expressions of grief without judgement or hurry, hold the space for them, hold them, offer them the love and security that they may reflect on their sorrow and move forward in their life.

don't let fear stay your hand or bind your tongue. pause, breathe, open your inner eye, listen to your heart (not your ego) & be love.

nice people finish last

it's probably my mom in me (that vinamese-tell-it-like-it-is sensibility when you ask "how are you doing" you get a real thorough rundown of the person's health, not a typical glib american answer.), and my own forthright tendencies and aversion to pretension (though i've gotten more mellow and judicious in verbiage in my old age, honestly), and really, being the oddball in school not odd like edward scissorhands, but odd like i didn't fit into any neat social categories and status symbols that are the hallmarks of american schools--nerd, drama dork, ASB geek, D&D freak, filipino mexican, etc, but had friends all across the spectrum; probably all those reasons why i have never cared much for nice people. i'm not saying i like mean people, what i mean is that people whose identity is bound up in pleasing other people and in being perceived as "nice" are engaging in the self-effacing social theater of nice martyrdom with sublimated unhappiness and low self esteem whispering cues from the wings. of course there's also the kind of fake-nice people who use their niceness to manipulate other people but nobody likes those kind of nice people. goes without saying. i'm talking about the really nice people. even when they are being genuinely nice and not fake-nice, there is a hollowness about their actions/words because their is no self, no self sufficiency, no valuing of their own self. being nice may satisfy their (parental upbringing-created) neuroses but it does not fulfill their soul. why should i esteem them when they don't even value themselves?

my realtor was a good man, very nice guy, people pleaser, cheerful. absolutely no ability to prioritize while with his clients. would be wretchedly late for appointments with us because he was still showing another client and in trying to please them, wasn't taking calls, couldn't give us a call to let us know he was running late. would run around with us all over town looking at properties way past the time we had alloted. that kind of nice guy. always putting others before himself. a lifetime lived as a nice guy wasn't fulfilling. he suffered inside. quietly. without bothering anyone. as nice people should (they think of other's feelings before their own). the real estate market tanked while his wife was finishing school for nurse midwifery, and his two children in school. his family lost the house to foreclosure. no one knew that they were in crisis. he didn't want to burden other people with his problems. he committed suicide. i dont bring this up to make light. nice has its price. that patriarchy is hard on the menfolk too, but that's a whole nuther blog for anuther time.

last year, when i was interviewing former staff for my work's thirtieth anniversary, one of the formers mentioned how much it pained him when the leader of the organization, a really genuinely nice guy, just about the nicest guy i have ever met, didn't stand up for him, when other staff decided to cut his program. nice people don't like conflict; nice people value maintaining the peace at any cost; nice people don't take sides and so, nice people betray.

i like honesty. as much as there are things about our current guvernator i don't like, i respect that he doesn't take a taxpayer-paid salary because he is a billionaire.

anyways, all this to say, i'm not trying to raise a nice girl. girls are pressured by way too much society to be nice.

so i really appreciated this article about the unhappy consequences of trying to raise a happy child. sometimes parenting makes my brain hurt too.

http://theparentingpit.com/alternative-parenting/solutions-are-not-the-solution/

drummer girl

g'bye 08

inspired by Ms. 10, i will sum up my 08.

• gained 35 lbs
• went from 34C to 36E then 34E now 34D
  
• lost 30 lbs (the other 5lbs is breast, i swear)
• gave birth
• had mastitis and conquered thru homeopathics and sheer will and the loving support of mom & T.
• postpartum tempered me into a mother