big brother

once upon a time, bro and i had lunch--rather, like the gourmand foodie he has become after decades of waiting tables in high end establishments, (heo, they got megastars in the michelin guide for service) he ate raw oysters with a clean melon finish while i stole complimentary matchboxes and dipped sourdough in extra-spicy tabasco--has just informed me that financial institutions don't care what your signature looks (gasp) and they will do NOTHING about janky simulacra signatures other than cut the payouts and charge you interest, unless you complain about the matter pugnaciously--i was nano-indignant--therefore with the desultory insolence of the disenfranchised, he periodically changes his signature. without telling anyone. scandalous!

his newest signature which could pass for nk spy hangul chicken scratch, when held up to the refracted light from a chain restaurant window in a freeway-side suburb and glimpsed in reverse reads, "FUCK YOU".

in the words of the Shark Tale shrimpy shrimp with five shrimp legs (do these appendages have a scientific classification?) crossed earnestly over shrimpy heart while the other five shrimp legs held palm-errr, first joint up in the scout's pledge with a shrimpy castrato sotto voce, proclaim "Truuue Story".

do you think i have a shot of getting a segment produced for "This American Life"?

booklistchainloveletter

this fanciful Top Ten Book List According To ME was compiled for an among-friends people of color uneditorialized chain letter earlier this month initiated by Bao P. and Juliana P. (no relation) in response to amazonian universalized generalization and consumer illiterary oppression of the masses. this is in the chronological order by epoch that i read them beginning in the 5th grade until hereabouts.

• Reflections in Natural History series by Stephan Jay Gould

• The Hero and the Crown & The Blue Sword (Damar series) by Robin McKinley

• Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children graphic novel series by David Loaupre illus. Dan Sweetman (DC Comics, Piranha Press 1989-92)

• Truyen Kieu by Nguyen Du

• We Promise One Another: poems from an Asian war ed. Don Luce et al. (Indochina Mobile Education Project 1971)

• Before the Revolution: the Vietnamese peasants under the French by Ngo Vinh Long

• Wretched of the Earth by Franz Fanon

• All About Love series by bell hooks

• Kindred by Octavia Butler

• Hearts and Hands: a midwife's guide to pregnancy & birth by Elizabeth Davis

from elmo to elegy

weo, i've renamed this post from "lalalala...ellepenguin's song" to the more apropos one that occured to me as i emailed liz s. in blogidarity (blog+solidarity).

[editorial note: i should also not that this catchphrase came to me as i was, ah, perusing the literary offerings in my sister's .5 bathroom while i was living with her & family for a month.]

black becomes me.

as do obscure literary allusions, phenomenological deconstruction, and serendipity. ahem.

anaphylactic sorrow

unsought lessons come in all human experiences. i am learning so much from my brother-in-law and sister about how to grieve. as children, we were never allowed to grieve; we had truths hidden from us until we were grown. to spare us the hurt of our father's disappearance and the discovery of his assasination-execution-murder. and yet somehow, two decades later, our sublimated cicatrice is a still weeping wound veiled by raw dermis. anaphylactic sorrow. throats, heart, spirit constricted, stifled.

and here i bear witness to their sorrow. open to their pain, open to their loved ones. and i bear witness to Death through the eyes of a child. my niece's heartbreak, her honest longing. when did i lose that ability to weep unabashedly, that innocence to be vulnerable?

Anabelle Grace

my sister birthed anabelle grace in the wee hours on feb 20th at 36 weeks (one month early). anabelle wasn't breathing and had no heartbeat. the neonatologist was able to resuscitate her after 20 minutes and lifeflighted her to NICU at the children's hospital nearby.

life's serendipity

what a mysterious sequence of events. just days before my sis received a late term diagnosis of polyhydramnios, transferred care provider from midwife to ob/gyn, due to mistaken referral missed the perinatologist appointment, and waters broke on the day of her specialist appointment, all events that prefigured emergency C-section on the horizon contrary to her nautral birth plan. and yet the way the universe unfolded, my sister had an easy recovery after blessedly delivering naturally with her midwife present after all, no perineal tears, an unmedicated vaginal delivery of a breech even as they were prepping her for an emergency C. because of the quick recovery from natural birth she was able to check out of the hospital in the afternoon to be with anabelle and her husband in a matter of hours rather than days if she had a cesarean birth or medicated birth. i flew in to san diego to be with them, our parents, our aunties and family friends.

grace

anabelle had birdswing eyes like her mother and her big sister lily. the same round round face and apple cheeks. she also had many congenital complications and down's syndrome. she was beautiful. in the afternoon, after no brain activity, they took her off life support. in the bosom of her mother, her big sister lily and her father, surrounded by all her loved ones, anabelle grace died.

how to express our heartbreak and struggling to breathe and grieve as our loss washes over us in waves of sorrow. four-and-a-half year old lily struggles with the meaning of Death. oh she misses her baby sister and wants God to make anabelle better and give her back to us...