A Mother's Love Transcends

Earlier this year, I heard a story on public radio about from every pregnancy, children's cells live on in their mother, protecting her. I think it is the best and most incredible science story that I've ever heard. Rarely does Science affirm Mothers' intuitive knowledge and solace her loss.

Yesterday at a child's birthday party, I met an elder who was admiring one of my memorial tattoos dedicated to my father who died when I was 12. This wisewoman shared with me her stories of loss and giving the incredible gift of Love which is to be with someone when they die. She then went on to share her experiences of babyloss; her two sons who died at birth. She still felt their presence with her as divine beings.

I told her about the science discovery of our children's continuing presence in mothers to give her solace. I related how a Viet shaman (who is also scientifically trained as a psychologist) once told me "Spirit is the ancestor of Science."  What the soul knows intuitively, science will spend decades studying and trying to "prove".  Now, through science we can take someone's voice, project into outer space to a satellite and relay it back again to earth to a recipient through a cell phone device. Shamans have been doing that for thousands of years to the disbelief of Science.

Science is not objective; it has an objective rooted in a Western way of knowing (Cartesian logic). There are many other ways of knowing which Science can only fumble at comprehending as a blind person feeling an elephant's trunk. Scientists can never get to the Truth of a Mother's Love;  a microscope will never reveal the spirit. 

This research only demonstrates what mothers have always known to be true: All of our children are with us always as we are with them.  We transcend.  Love is.

For Dafina, Uyen, myself, and all mothers who have been through joy and sorrow...

This explains it better than I could... http://www.workingmomsbreak.com/2012/01/31/advice-you-will-never-hear-from-a-career-counselor/

goddess of grief

[N.B. I originally wrote & posted this poem for a dear and lovely friend of mine many moons ago. After standing at the threshold of Life and Death and losing mine own, I (re)view it anew with raw eyes and a womb that weeps blood.  This poem has since been published in SQUAT! Birth Journal Spring 2013 http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/536994]



wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
hands cupped to receive
tasting of the bitter
salted with loss
sorrow for what was
and glimpsed could-have-been’s
of a vanished future
of a seed within
ageless from the beginning of Self
dandelion filament
borne off to the elements
wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
moon wanes in grief
womb betrayed
bereft and laid bare to the core
wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
a Mother’s wisdom borne
intuitive
a Mother’s power borne
betwixt Life and Death
a Mother’s Love borne
infinite
forgiving
wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
hands cupped to receive
cleansing breath
cleansing blood salt tears
hallowed for blessings to come

for 10

salty memories
saliva, tears, breasts swell by reflex
mothersmilkmotherslove retained
holding breath against the pain
but breath, like tearsmilklove comes anyways

for naima, beloved child embraced by her ancestors

mother's milk

my 3 year old is a poetess-in-the-making

sữa mẹ dúng:

mother's milk is like

dúng trái cam

like oranges

dúng trái dâu

like strawberries

dúng sà lách

like lettuce

dúng cà rêm

like ice cream

war on germs

I think the reason that the debate on vaccines is so heated on this is because it's an intensely personal parenting decision that is also intensely political. My take on all this is philosophical. The dominant metaphor and paradigm for larger Western society is warfare. The medical industrial complex is steeped in that framework, treating disease and bacteria as enemy combatants, and valuing profit over evidence-based protocols. So that's the context in which the billion dollar vaccination industry was developed.

When we look at the mortality rate associated with any given disease, let's say polio, we'll see that the mortality rate was dropping with the advent of industrialization and better sanitation--prior to the introduction of a polio vaccine. The early polio vaccines were "live" and many people who were vaccinated contracted polio from the vaccine itself before they recalled it. Most pro-vaccine lit only looks at the period immediately after vaccines were introduced as "proof" that they work. Without that larger historical context, yes, it's easy to attribute the salvation of the human race to vaccines.

Even with the recent pertussis outbreak, if you look at the population dying, it's typically very poor children, and in Cali, undocumented Latino immigrant children, who are more likely to have poor nutrition and poor health. Yet rather than address the underlying factors of poverty and anti-immigrant health policies, the DPH is telling the general population to vaccinate.

Let's look at Gardasil as another example--this vaccine for females which supposedly prevents genital warts, an STD, which can lead to cervical cancer. This was fasttracked onto the market and is the controversial subject of mandatory vaccination laws. It's been around a few years now and the deaths or sterilization or other vaccine injury of young girls is only beginning to make the FDA take a second look. What is manifestly clear to me, is that vaccines are a massive human guinea pig experiment funded and fueled by the pharmaceutical industry.

Anyways, I recommend Aviva Jill Romm's Vaccinations book over Dr. Sears. She is a midwife, herbalist and now MD. She actually explains the fine print of what are the benefits, risks & adverse reactions to vaccinations (i.e. what your doctor is supposed to tell you) AND how the disease manifests and it's risks so that one can make a truly informed decision. It's the only book I found to discuss the disease itself.

Final tangent (sorry there's no returns in here): It's only very recently that it's become profitable to understand the immune system and commodify non-invasive healing modalities (i.e. indigenous or traditional healing systems). Hence the sudden commercialization of probiotics as the "friendly" bacteria after decades of vilifying bacteria and creating the self-perpetuated problem of "super-bacteria" which are immune to antibiotics. From a holistic standpoint, the human body exists because of bacteria; we live in symbiosis with bacteria and it's not until our body is out of balance that the bacteria become harmful. In that context, we need to re-evaluate the supremacy of Western medicine and its paradigm over all other traditional modalities.

And as parents, we have to weigh and balance all those personal, political, social, financial factors and make the best decisions for our families. (As a side note, in true service of humanity, India patented their traditional system of healing under Creative Commons license to prevent the continued theft of "intellectual property/patent" by pharmeceutical corporations.)

growing pains

Babies are very smart and every thing they do has developmental purpose.

Having an experienced family chiropractor who worked with pregnant women and babies was my maternal salvation from the first time parent anxiety. My chiro mentioned to me how much the cranial plates shift in the first few years as babies' heads make fantastical growth. Sometimes, the cranial plates get a little stuck.

Ever notice how one eye seems smaller than the other at times? It's because the cranial plates near the ear of the smaller eye are a little stuck. Creating pressure in the cranium helps to alleviate the pressure and move the plates--so breastfeeding/nursing/sucking is physiologically and developmentally critical for babies in their cranial development. Sometimes when cranial plates get stuck and sucking doesn't help, the pressure of those cranial "growing pains" causes them to bang their heads or suck on random things or other "odd" repetitive behavior that the medical profession dismisses as phases or meaningless. So headbanging can sometimes help get the cranial plates get unstuck as a last (frustrated) resort.

Teething can also cause similar behavior. If you have access to a craniosacral therapy (chiropractor or massage therapist) it is very gentle and can really help babies to transition through all those growing pains without banging their heads in frustration. I highly recommend going at least once with your infant and asking them to show you how to do some of the techniques if you can't afford to go alot.

If you don't have access to craniosacral therapy, try giving her/him a light scalp/cranial massage. Feel for the grooves between the cranial plates above the ears, around the fontanelle (soft spot in back of head) and with your two thumbs gently gently move them apart. It won't feel like anything is happening or actually moving, but can help get it unstuck. Letting baby suck on something while you do this helps baby to move those cranial plates. I would do this while breastfeeding. There are other specialized techniques as well (like the ear tugging thing which I've been shown how to do but don't really know how to do so I leave it to the trained expert).

parenting equity

We live in a patriarchal society, so in a hetero family even a progressive family, gender is still going to be a struggle. I think white feminism (Stanton, Cody) did a huge disservice to women by demanding equality with white men (legal, political, biological) rather than equity. Historically, white women were emancipated based on the Stanton argument that white women could counteract the freed black male slave vote. Also, those white suffragettes and subsequent white feminists distanced themselves from motherhood as a form of unremunerated bondage and not coincidentally, the wage work of freed black women.

While that is all centuries ago, its legacy is this--Mothers are not valued in the mainstream power structure; the US is the ONLY 1st world nation that does not provide mandatory paid maternity leave. FMLA is a watered down approximation of a well meaning thought. If you are on welfare, you can only take of other people's children for pay, you cannot be paid to raise your own children. So the rallying cry that a "women can do anything men can do" is mostly true, but more importantly, men CANNOT do everything women can--give life and sustenance--and that is exactly what remains unacknowledged, unvalued, and unremunerated.
(ASIDE: the New Yorker had an interesting article a while back about the "liberating" American invention of breast pumps and how it forced mothers to go back to work sooner because now biology wasn't a barrier for women to be like men in the workplace.)

SAHM label is an effort to reclaim the degraded "homemaker."

All that to say that I don't take the gender dynamics as solely an individual couple's relationship problem, but a social problem. I struggle with it too, not because my husband is a patriarchal narcissist (far be it from true!), but because we live these socially imposed power dynamics and norms. And this all without bringing in other dynamics like race and culture.

Motherhood is still unpaid work.

The patriarchal nuclear family structure and the ruptures in extended family networks from immigration and American nomadic existence makes it so much harder; no grandmothers and elders live with us to raise our babies.

Dennis Brutus once gave met Tstsi Dengaremba's novel Nervous Conditions. And I think it gets exactly at the tension between Western feminism/norms and cultural roles.

Having exclusively breastfed and coslept until 1yo meant that my daughter was squarely attached to me which created its own cycle of emotional dependence. It wasn't until ~2.5yo that VL would ask for her Ba when she needed comfort or nurturing. Now this wasn't my husband's refusal or irresponsibility; he picked up the slack on all the household chores and other non-BF parenting so that I could nurture our child. When he was back at work FT, I voluntarily did all the diaper changes at night while I was on maternity leave in equitable appreciation of him working outside the home. For SAHMs, the household chores do fall on their shoulders more, because that is what is equitable. For families where both parents work outside the home, chores and parenting may be more negotiated in the 3 hours we have with the offspring before they go to sleep.

Until males start lactating (physiologicaly possible, if socially/cultural taboo. google it), the first few years fall squarely on the mother's breasts. I still struggle with what mainstream feminism enculturated in me and traditional/cultural roles.

January 7 at 10:12am

motherhood is the new irony

my baby, oh my baby,

she is the sun, the moon, the stars,
the universe, the ancestors, the future.
miss her, love her

and when i'm with her,
i wish for 15 goddamn minutes to myself.

motherhood booklist

**new updates!**

it's been a while since my last booklist. so in honor of my new identity in life. it's time for my parenthood booklist

Pregnancy & Birth

• Hearts & Hands: A midwife's guide to pregnancy and birth, 4th ed, by Elizabeth Davis (master midwife) a guide to the care of a pregnant woman and her partner. for someone who only knows the hospital/medical model from TV and movies, this book opens up a new world of caring approach to life's most sacred rite of passage. i took the Hearts & Hands Midwifery Intensive to learn about the field and became a doula through it. i really appreciate Elizabeth's wisdom, sensitivity and spirituality. i'm looking forward to taking more classes with her in the future. who knows i may yet become a midwife myself.
  
• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin (the Mother of Modern Midwifery) down-to-earth and centered in the natural wisdom of women's capacity to birth. positive birthstories along with evidence-based facts. i love the simple truth of the sphincter law. love your yoni.
• Complete Guide to Pregnancy & Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger really talks about the hormonal & biological underpinnings of birth and breastfeeding. though the bias is towards natural birth, the book that equally values the birthing choices that women make, neat week-by-week progression with photos of a mom and graphics of baby and cool photos of waterbirth, homebirth and hospital birth.
• Birthing From Within by Pamela England an intuitive and creative woman-centered, woman-led approach to birthing from labor preparation to comfort techniques.
• Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year by Susun Weed.all the herbal remedies you need to support a woman's constitution before & during pregnancy, during childbirth and postpartum. i learned that all the plants considered weeds by american society are actually medicinal and stem from a long healer tradition of well woman care (or in modern parlance sue them for practicing without a medical license). so patriarchal hegemony didn't just burn some healer-midwives as witches, it also succeeded in vilifying the healer's plants which at that time couldn't be privatized and commidified as with medicine. after all these years post-grad school, i finally discover some meaningful relevance to Weber's thesis about the protestant ethic undergirding capitalism. that's my new excuse for not mowing our lawn. if only i could convince the City Public Works of that cuz you get majorly fined for not mowing your lawn and for having "weeds.
• kellymom.com okay so this isn't a book, but i found the info here on breastfeeding more informative than a certain lactation advocacy organization and even more helpful than my lactation consultant at times (though she was great for moral support!). i totally credit Lily for the referral
  

Parenting

• Our Babies, Our Selves: How Culture and Biology shape the way we parent by Meredith Small the biological roots for cultural parenting practices. reiterated for me why some of my instinctive/cultural modes of parenting like bedsharing, breastfeeding, and diaper-free were what's best for my child in spite of mainstream denunciation.
• Baby Matters: what your doctor may not tell you about caring for your baby by Linda Palmer, DC some folks call this the only book you need for attachment parenting. affirms the set of values as well as backs it up with scientific evidence. really changed the way i think of cow's milk.
• Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra nice little mother affirmations and thoughts to meditate on in the brief snatches of time you get between feedings, pottying/diapering, naps, etc.
• Mothering magazine great articles about natural pregnancy, childbirth and parenting
• Giving the Love that Heals by Harville Hendris & Helen Hunt (no, not that Helen Hunt) about personal transformation and conscious parenting; how to heal your own childhood wounds so you can stop passing on your baggage to your kids.
• All About Love: new visions by bell hooks okay so this isn't about parenting per se. it is about self-actualization and being a loving person.
• Smart Medicine for a Healthier Child, 2nd ed. this is a really great book we received from Szymon as a baby shower gift (awesome!) that lists common childhood ailments and gives you integrated treatments from western/allopathic medicine, homepathic, nutritional supplements, acupressure and herbal treatments. all those inconsolable, fever, projectile vomit ni
  
• Vaccinations: A Thoughful Parent's Guide by Aviva Jill Romm we're trying to make informed choices about vaccine scheduling.
• The Diaper Free Baby: the natural toilet training alternative by Christine Gross-Loh i liked this book for being very flexible and non-zealous about being diaper-free.
  

Honorary mentions

• Fathering Right from the Start: Straight Talk About Pregnancy, Birth andBeyond by Jack Heinowitz

n-squared home training

so i recently sent out our family groundrules for VL to my immediate family since we have our set of values that may or may not be shared and the holidays (prime gift giving season) are approaching. our primary value is protecting our daughter from materialism/commodification and toxins. nothing controversial, no comment on religion or politics, no judgement on other families' rules.

the reactions i got were kinda funny. my ma sez "Sorry dear, your daughter will be so sad with no funs for the first 5 year in her life." which i think is hilarious because like my ma's own childhood in rural VN did not have any of the things we ban from our house and i'm sure she had funs (weo after doing her chores that is). and she herself pointed out to me that all the food she grew up on was organic because pesticides (and agent orange and napalm) hadn't been introduced yet. and for the first five years of his life and the first three years of my sis' in central VN, my siblings played with family, household objects and objects in nature with little detrimental impact on their imaginations or body burden unlike the toys & material objects of today's modern household.

my step dad who would be chief offender on all counts (especially candy, red dye and princess stuff) said nothing. he doesn't ever check his email except for once a year when he has me un-close his email account or set up a new email for him when i come visit for the holidays. to be fair, he also generously gives us lots of cash to buy clothes and savings bonds for school and helps us with travel money too.

my bro who might be potentially a giver of the battery-operated, plastic kind (like Whack-A-Mole which would be so cool if they made a wood version) didn't respond either. it's cool. as an uncle, i fully expect him to pass along his gourmand predilections to the child with full appreciation for the ways he's introduced me to good food all my life (first caviar, first truffles, first crab cakes, first clam dip, first sake bombers, first gourmet meals, first fine champagne... and the list goes on.).

my sis who gives very thoughtful and wonderfully handcrafted gifts sez "It's truly more blessed to give than receive." sure, at the same time, i guess i'm more pragmatic when it comes to gifts, why waste other people's money on things i don't want or we don't allow? we didn't register for wedding gifts, we went the traditional route (and by this i mean vinamese tradition) and got cash gifts which paid for the reception; for the baby registry i asked people to get stuff used from craigslist and asked for cloth diapering supplies mostly and most folks gave cash with which we were very grateful to purchase all the stuff we needed, some new, alot of it used. registries themselves are wishlists of things you want, which practice i find eminently practical, but it's only socially acceptable to have registries on major social rites of passage rather than events like holidays & birthdays. and sometimes, people buy you things off registry anyways which can result in something delightful that you wouldn't have bought for yourself (like a digital labeller! awesome!) and sometimes results in something that makes you go huh? (like the talking Stewie doll. you do realize one, i'm like in my 30s and don't collect dolls from animated TV shows. and two, i didn't have a TV for most of the nineties & 00s, right bro? i didn't even ever watch the family guy or the simpsons.)

i don't care for the social ballet of receiving gifts with one hand with genuine appreciation for the gift giver's intention of course, and some white lie nicety about using it, and passing it behind my back and with the other hand returning or recycling it.

my ma frequently gives me new & used clothes, shoes & avon products (she's an avon lady) and while i love her care & thoughtfulness, i always have to return them to her because it doesn't fit (i have a very different body type from my ma--i take after my paternal grandmother--and a different style sensibility because i'm in my 30s, not my 50s nor what she projects 30s ought dress like [um, ma, i don't go clubbing anymore and certainly not while i was pregnant. weo, only once and it was really just a bar and it was really no fun hanging out with smoking, emeryville quasi-hipsters at Kitty's, and anyways, i don't wear sheer blue leopard print chiffon because no one needs to see my big belly, navel & stretch marks. but then, in her 30s ma was a clubbin' disco queen and i have the photos to prove it!] and she thinks i'm bigger than i am or my feet are smaller than they are.) and i'm allergic to the cheap synthetic toxic chemicals in avon products. for some years i took the gifts and re-distributed them to friends, but nowadays, i don't have room in my luggage nor space in my house nor time to do that. so i thank you ma, and i can't use this because... happily, my ma isn't neurotic (in that way at least) and doesn't take it personal.

of course, our choices are political and spiritual in essence especially because what we want for our daughter and how we choose to go about getting there runs counter to dominant popular culture (and unfortunately what constitutes popular culture is corporate marketing). my cousins have nicknamed the baby "Moonbeam" for a reason. shrug. we love each other; we don't have to love each other's parenting choices. (and funnily enough i had considered naming the baby Moon something in vinamese Nga or Nguyet, but the english transliteration would really butcher the cadence of it. and we ended up choosing a historical name rather than a poetic one.) so this is how we do it in the n2 household:

• no princess stuff
• all natural materials like cotton, wool or wood are preferred
• no plastic toys, no battery-operated toys. toys should be educational or stimulate the imagination
• no corporate logos on the clothes (example: anything that has Disney on it, Tommy, Polo, Old Navy, etc). she's a baby not an advertising billboard
• no commercialized product tie-ins. no Disney, no Pixar, no Hello Kitty/Sanrio or TV cartoon characters like Dora or Sponge Bob. no hypersexualized toys like trampy Barbie or hooker Bratz dolls.
  
• no TV until she is 5 yo
• gently used, second-hand & hand-me-downs in good condition are great. what's important is the sentiment and utility, not the cost
• no princess stuff
• no dairy (this means no butter or milk or ice cream), no candy or artificial dyes in food (especially red)
• homemade is lovely too
• oh, and no princess stuff.

postscript: actually, it is socially acceptable to have "wishlists" so we started one for VL on alternativegiftregistry.org.

car seat PSA

so VL is growing so fast, we had to replace her infant carseat that we inherited from aunty Tuyet. we got a sunshine radian 65 convertible (though she's growing so fast we prolly should have gone 80, but who knows if she will be over 65lbs by the time she's 53" tall? i dunno). in the process of doing all the consumer research, i learned that 85% of parents install the carseat WRONG and that car accidents are among the leading causes of death for children in the US. we had been driving around blithely for 8 months all unawares that VL's seat was installed improperly. we can only thank the heavens we weren't involved in a crash. those darn instruction manuals are not user friendly!

so here's what i learned about correctly installing a car seat:

• babies should be rearfacing at least until 20 lbs and 1 year old but the longer you can keep them rear-facing, the safer they would be in an accident. the max weight is determined by your carseat, our max is rear-facing up to 45 lbs.
• though all positions in the second row are safe, the center seat is the safest seat in the car. we had previously had VL installed on the right side to make it easier for curbside loading. though i had wondered about what would happen in a side impact crash.
• cars made after 2002 mandatorily have the LATCH system in addition to the standard seat belt install. the LATCH system was designed to make car seat installation easier since so many parents weren't installing car seats correctly with the seat belts. you should use LATCH or the seat belt to install NOT both. using both undermines the efficacy.
• because of width issues, most sedans/compacts/etc only have two outboard LATCH installed (meaning the outside seats only) and do not allow you to "borrow" the two inside LATCH for a center install. check your owner's manual (if it doesn't say you can borrow, then you cannot install in the center).
• top tethers are now standard with all car seats and the anchors are standard in newer model cars. the tethers need to be attached to the anchors or to some immoveable part of the car frame. in the case of rear-facing car seats, it can be to the passenger side seat leg. check your car owner's manual for anchor locations.
  

there are plenty of places that provide FREE car seat checks, find one in your city or town www.seatcheck.org/

and the technicians & forums at www.car-safety.org give specific advice about installation for your specific car seat & make/model of your car.


oh and one fun thing. if you've got two kids in the car and you want to keep them entertained, you can macguyver bungee cords or rope between the oh-shit-handles (i know those have a proper name but this is what i call 'em) and hang toys off the line to create your own car mobile. you can also zipline stuff from front passenger seat to the back row for older kids. disclaimer: i make no claims as to how it may distract the driver.

Calloo callay, oh frabjous day! my favorite pre-pregnancy jeans fit.

ok, so there is some spandex involved but only like 3%.

she's here!

introducing VL
born at home on 2.26.2008 at 7.57pm
eyes wide open with her right hand grasping for life and plenty to say
6lbs 4 oz
19 inches of pure determination

the hormones made me do it!

since i cant imbibe, this is the next best way to decompress after work. you cannot hear the soundtrack. i am laughing uncontrollably the whole time while T. shakes his head.

isnt that the cutest romper? (thanks Trang!) wait until i get me some newborn cloth diapers! hmmm... what other baby items can i practice using?






Beatrix Potter ain't got nothin on TýTý Kitty.

after i let go, she houdini'ed out of this in 30 seconds flat. i think T. managed to get two photos in of her hightailing it for the hills. and that's with a professional camera.








rồngtý "special needs" kitty was very much calmer. he likes the attention.









as you can imagine, the cats are eagerly anticipating the day that they are no longer the direct recipients of my maternal instincts.

the quickening

no, the quickening is not when the lifeforce of one beheaded Immortal is released into another. yet another violent metaphoric co-optation of birth. (and unbelievably, T. has yet to see The Highlander. where was he in the 80s?! he never heard Sean Connery say in his thick scottish brogue "there can only be one!" what a deprived childhood. i sense Highlander film fest!)

the Quickening is the moment when the baby's movement is intuited by the mother. by pre-technology/pre-20th century standards, it is the beginning of Life.

now the darling pregnancy books all say that it starts after 16 weeks when the bones begin to harden (most primaparous/firsttime mothers feel it around 20 weeks) and that it feels like butterflies or fluttering. how precious.

so not what i am feeling. i thought the gurgling, twinges and uterine cramp-stretching i've been feeling over the last two weeks was gas or uterine growth or ligaments adjusting to the prenatal chiro. and then as trung lay his palm over my abdomen a few nights ago and felt the erratic pulsing himself, it dawned on us, that's bé and s/he is seriously punching me! now it makes sense why a few weeks ago (at 16.5 weeks), i woke T. up in the middle of the night hollering in my sleep "STOP POKING ME!" i wish i could say it's precious being kicked in the cojones by tiny paws. it rather feels like kittens in one's sweater--squirming into a toasty position and then a rumpus when rồngtý picks a fight with tiêntý's tail and then they squirm into a new cozy position. bé likes to use my bladder as a gas pedal "đi mao len đi má!|go, mommy go!"

it is rather endearing though. we still haven't heard the bé's heartbeat on the fetascope, but we can *hear* bé moving--rather, elbowing me womb, must be T.'s karate genes--with the fetascope. (is there two? how can bé move so fast from one end of my uterus to the other?) i like that our first proof of Life is a shared, sensory/sensual experience, both our hands on my belly, and not from some device.

i swear it's just eating very well at 10 & 11's wedding weekend, but i didn't flatten out the next morning. lots of good food (and a wee bit of caffeine). major overnight growth spurt. i could hardly sleep for all the womb-commotion. we're in official baby bump territory.

the transformation to motherhood is a trip. your skin stretches, your womb expands, your heart grows, your soul unfolds.

maternity sweatshop

T's 70-year-old, diabetic, partially deaf mợ 2|aunty #2 has been industriously sewing me a new bà bầu wardrobe pulling all nighters this week out of concern for my seeming lack of pregnancy-appropriate attire. i guess she missed the elastic waistband demonstrations or didn't think it was adequate.

it's one thing when it's malnourished brown orphans deprived of childhood and limbs industriously producing one's wardrobe piecemeal for pennies because there is the global economy, multinational corporations, layers of manufacturing subcontracting, clever marketing ploys, shiny store displays and discount store prices to buffer and inure me from the human consequences of my first world decadence.

it's a whole nother thing when it's your kin. and its heartfelt concern. and its muumuus. and they are made from love.

maybe like the golden garments of love that Ariel learned to spin from the depths of her heart for the wraiths in the fantasy novel DarkAngel, the muumuus will wear less burdensome than garb made from coercion, loathing and pain, and will wear lightly filled with the grace of compassion and the gift of sisterhood.

preggie snacks

though i don't snack so much as have a small meal (hence second breakfast and second lunch, i do on occasion snack. patics when there is no fridge/kitchen/restaurant in sight). ergo, the best pregnancy snacks ever:

• seaweed--contains iron, folic acid and loads of minerals similar in composition to the human body and it flushes out lead & mercury! i love the toasted korean kind with sesame oil & salt. my favorite brand "Well-being" is sprinkled with black sesame. and y'know, the darker the berry, the more nutritious the juice. the toasting kills some nutrients, but it's still tasty.
  
• bananas with almond butter and maybe some honey drizzled over--some protein, carbs & fiber to get me through the night. that elvis knew a thing about it. and this month he is sposedly 30 years dead.
  
• broiled bananas--it's like fried bananas without the fried, add some coconut sorbet and mmm! who needs to make a run to the Thai restaurant. or some grated dark chocolate spinkled over. yumyum!
  
• macadamia nuts--protein & iron to tide you over in between the second breakfast and the first lunch. i'm over walnuts right now. i first trimestered them into untastiness. no macadamia i will never tire of. i used to pick macadamia from the bush on the side of the house on Piikoi crack'em open with rocks and eat 'em raw. i so missed the flavor that my mom once pulled over and asked a random neighbor if she could pick their macadamias for me. yup, i love being the baby of the family.
  
• mangoes--preferably green with nước mấm đường|fish sauce & sugar OR muối ớt|salt & fresh chile. if they're ripe, then eaten godzilla-style: with skin on, slice mangoes parallel to seed. leave skin on and cut the flesh into cubes without breaking the skin (like an avocado). the victorious sibling gets to eat the best part, the seed. take the cubed slice in the skin and flip it inside out and eat them like godzilla eating all the buildings in downtown Tokyo. reminds me of my childhood on Piikoi Street picking all the green mangoes to my parents perpetual dismay since they preferred it ripe.
• almond butter & raspberry preserves on rudy's organic multi-grain spelt bread--i'm on this wheat & dairy-free diet for my allergies (it's been great! no allergies this spring). and this brand and kind of spelt bread is the only thing that doesnt taste like sawdust or uber-healthy brick bread. peanuts actually being ground legumes absorb soil toxins like a sponge, so almonds are better for you in addition to being good for you. this is my there's nothing in the fridge i want to eat and yet i'm hungry option. i haven't gotten tired of it yet thankfully.
  
• coconut juice--what's there to say? it's like a sports drink only au naturel choc full of calcium & iron and minerals. keep an eye on this as the next new natural health trend.
  
• tamarind--this was our favorite movie snack. forget popcorn. crack open the thin shell, peel the fibers and it's mouthwateringly tart and only slightly sweet. only chile could make this better. this is why i love mexican candy.
  
• dandelion tea/infusion--this pretty weed has loads of calcium folic acid & iron (more than spinach!) and it helps to flush your liver (dee pehl eez in dee rirver). infusion is more concentrated than tea. it's easy to do and its a damn sight cheaper to buy in bulk than to buy pre-bagged tea.
  
• raspberry leaf tea/infusion--tones your uterus and iron galore! hmm, shall we say pussy galore?
  

prenatals

we had our first medical prenatal yesterday. the experience was very different from our previous prenatal with our midwife.

WAITING ROOM
Selena, midwife--couch, play area for kids, water cooler, birth artwork
Dr. Chan, ob/gyn--chairs, magazines, pee on demand in a sterile cup, lovely baby & mama b&w glamor shots

WAIT TIME
midwife--5 minutes
ob--1.5 hours (approx one hour spent naked in a hospital gown and a tissue paper sheet.) medical assistant takes blood pressure and weighs me. i've gained about 5 pounds.

INITIAL CONSULTATION
midwife--2+hours: big hugs, trung next to me on the couch or bed, conversation about medical history, emotional process, experiences, parenting approach, cultural expectations, nutritional counseling (and some negotiation on getting optimal nutrients from food), expectations of the midwife's role, family involvement, snacks & water for the hungry pregnant lady, something to put my feet up on, pee when i need to in a dixie cup, assessment of our bé|baby's golden-orange aura & spirit, journalling assignments, drawing birth visualization exercise, lie on a bed fully clothed, blood pressure & heartrate, fetascope and gentle palpation on my abdomen, more big hugs, lots of reassurance of normality. no internal exams til 36 weeks.
ob--30 minutes: succinct clinical monotone apology for being one and a half hours late, made trung move his chair 3 feet away from me to make room for the ultrasound equipment, medical history intake, breast exam, crazy transformer dental chair that converts to spread eagled prone position with stirrups and my ass hanging over the edge (the less engagement from patients the better huh? keep 'em passive. though i was mind-numbed from the wait time, at least i wasn't strapped down), pap smear (yugh! do you know how sensitive my cervix is right now? she bleeds if you just look at her sideways), explanation of the practice while conducting an ambush bimanual internal exam (no warning! why do doctors think ambush & distraction is the best policy for unpleasant procedures?), ghost ultrasound and some hokey measurement, mentioning all the ways bé can have birth defects and the standard tests i can take with no explanation of risks, insistence on prenatal vitamins regardless of diet (i can already see her classifying me as non-compliant), no snacks or water (did i mention how hungry i was after 1.5 hours of mindless waiting?), handshake. not cold, but not warm. weo, neither were we.

anyways so after explaining to me that ultrasounds after the first trimester are not accurate in dating me being in the 14th week and all, she plops jelly on my belly and ultrasounds me on the pap smear chair-cum-table (seat came back up) with no where to put my feet. despite having seen my cervix and bimanually felt me up, she still had no idea where my uterus was and kept the device in the middle to no avail. so i finally had to tell her um, my uterus is on the left. and boom, there was the ghost of our bé (ok, maybe not like boom, all we saw were grey & black blurs. and its all grey and grainy like something out of The Ring, but not freaky scary. not bathed in golden light. just grey and ghostly. okay, so on the one hand, here's confirmation that bé has a head, arms & legs and a little chirping heart. a little more real. not just a figment of our imaginations. on the other hand, it's a ghost on a grey-black monitor being controlled, measured and assessed by some stranger who is insisting that according to her admittedly inaccurate ultrasound measurement, baby is only 11 weeks 5 days along and that therefore my due date is in March. and that just does not sound right to me. but then again, the delicate choreograph of menstruation, ovulation and conception responsive to mood, mentality and moon is not exactly science. and flying down to San D that last week of May thinking bà ngoại wasn't gonna make it, maybe that disturbed my biorhythm more than i thought. and maybe that post-bday womb blessing loosened up more than i thought. we'll see...

Dr. Chan didnt seem to believe me when i mentioned that we'll know dates for sure at 20 weeks because the fundus (top of my uterus) will be at navel level (a midwife truism and a universal for all pregnant women). and i forgot to point out that she herself said that ultrasounds were not accurate for dates after the 12th week. i refused the vaginal ultrasound. i don't need a phallic device emitting ultrasonic cellular mutation in or around my already scraped up cervix.

already this medical prenatal had T. worried about folic acid, birth defects, and the normalcy of our bé. bé would let me know if anything was wrong. and though i'm generally a bit of a worrier with some hypochondriac tendencies, i feel content and a sense of well-being. no worries. so T. said he would trust me and bé and not let the doctor/medical establishment control our experience or deny us our rights through manipulating our ignorance.

in this life, this society, either you make informed choices or someone else, someone in a position of power, makes them for you. of course, most of the vaunted "freedom of choice" boils down to consumer decisions like about whether to support government-subsidized, eco-cidal, genetically-modified, irradiating, toxin polluting industrial agriculture corporation or pay the real cost of producing food to a small organic family farmer while trying to balance your own precarious budget. because in this society, money = power. we're trying our best to be engaged and not give our power away without exuding smug about it. it's a thin line. at least we won't be mistaken for those angry hippies in Berkeley Bowl. they need to take another bongh!t or drop a lil more acid cuz their mellow groove has become rude, entitled smuginess.

so on our journey to becoming parents we make the first of many parenting decisions... we're minimizing tetragenic exposure to alcohol, drugs, synthetic/toxic chemicals and ultrasounds. we prioritize good nutrition as the most important factor for the health of our bé. and along with that, we're not doing any of the genetic testing. we oppose eugenicism as a system of oppression, domination & genocide and we're not going to be tricked into it by medical prenatal propaganda about knowing the baby's health.

previously, we received a week-by-week glossy of a baby's development process in 4D. and it just seemed freaky invasive, exploitative and really just pornographic to me like those old National Geographics (or colonial postcards) with exotic naked natives and no captions about who they were, their family, no names, no context, no humanity. what's up with the patriarchal desire for panopticon omniscience and the need to know (and control) the mystery of creation?

so we didnt keep a printout of the ultrasound. i prefer to look within and commune with our bé bathed in the golden light of its spirit and our love, not bond with some externally-generated technology-produced paparazzi ghost image adulated object. we choose to walk the spiritual route, not the material.

smug check! weo, at least we don't drive a hybrid. yet.

still waiting on the hybrid minivan to make its way here from Japan where it's been on the market since 2001. as TLC puts it, "It takes courage to drive a mini-van."

musings on 42

my sister Uyên just called me out on my lack of "substantive" posts of late. substantive being relative since we all know how i like to ramble on, usually in mid-thought, about esoteric things that pop into my head (like klingon love letters. i can't believe you lost them, Trung! batlh bIHeghjaj! bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'.) low brain to mouth filter. blame it on the drugs my mom took during labor.

my bloglite excuse is -- weo, how to delicately say -- i am with child|có bàu. yes, T. & i have borg'ed ourselves the old-fashioned way and we are now nguyễn³ (can chú Bình claim credit for taking us to Bải Bàu in Qui Nhơn in april? or the hokey new age-y womb-blessing on my birthday?) as of tomorrow i will be 13 weeks along and almost officially out of my first trimester. par-tay! because it is damn fatiguing to generate a human being!

Uyên made the request for belly shots. for you undomesticated non-breeding folks, that is not cheap tequila drunk from the pierced navel of some young thing who probably doesn't have good hygiene; belly shots would be a progressive montage of the alien being gestating in my womb until it emerges gnashing and clawing from my abdomen to dominate the world. just kidding. yes, yes, children are blessings and a woman's ability to give Life, to Birth, is Sacred. without this, our survival as a species would end. blahblah. how alienated are we from women's reproductive capacity that the major pop culture reference for pregnancy is parasitic and destructive? the misogyny of society. makes you understand why the cesarean rate in the U.S. is almost 28% and voluntary cesareans (that is major abdominal surgery) is on the rise. fear of vaginas.

theoretical physicist stephen j. hawking comments, "I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image." he is a genius, an expansive intellectual contemplating the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything (the Deep Thought answer to which is 42, leaving us to ponder, what is the Ultimate Question?), and yet that is an incredibly stupid thing to say. as my bà ngoại|maternal grandmother often rebukes my aunties & uncles with her folk wisdom aphorism "mày nghĩ mày khôn quá hả mày chui ra đít tao!|you think you're so smart, you crawled out of my pussy!" put you in your place, punk! (now you understand where i learned how to curse.) women have been creating Life in our own image from the beginning of human time. it doesn't take a PhD or an MD to accomplish that.

so for the belly shots, weo, i'm not cutely pregnant yet (when if ever does that happen pray tell?). i'm slightly bloated, a beer belly of sorts late in the day. my clothes fit wierdly and why are all the clothes in my existing wardrobe so form fitting & cropped? i do glow though, for the record. absolutely luminous. T. has been documenting the process on the monthly (and sometimes weekly) basis. i might be persuaded to post the belly pix, but that requires bribery. food bribery (see the FAQs below).

for the curious, now that we are pregnant, you no longer have to refrain from asking me about my reproductive status or sex life. now commences the pregnancy phase and the ensuing, mostly welcome questions. for your curious pleasure:

MY PREGNANCY FAQS

• are you showing yet?

i am not showing. unless you count my distended intestines that get more compacted as the day wears on. so don't bother touching my belly because you're really just feeling up the detritus and effluvia of my digestion. my Uterus happens to be electric-slide tipped back and to the far left. if you see me rubbing my belly, i am not at this point touchingly bonding with my unborn child, i am really just encouraging some gas to pass. when i lay down and palpate my abdomen (i'm curious too), i can just barely feel her edge (my Uterus is a She btw) tucked deep into my left pelvis. my Uterus and i are in conversation right now trying to reach consensus agreement. i would like her to be upfront and center so that i can avoid having anal internal exams during my prenatals. you read that right. midwife has got to do bi-manual internal exams and palpate to assess baby's growth someway.

• have you seen your doctor yet?

meet my midwife Selena. she's a grandmother, been a doula for many years, owns a birth center, and practices 2nd degree reiki (i'm not really sure what that means either).

we're old-fashioned DIY-ers and we're choosing the safest birth choice possible. we're planning a normal, safe homebirth. babies everywhere else in the world have been born this way since time immemorial. don't see why we should pay an ob-gyn $10K for less than 15 minutes of care and loads of medical interventions. i've seen all the doctor TV shows, i know doctors think of childbirth as a mortally dangerous disease best performed strapped down on her back in a drug-resistant-staph-ridden hospital amongst the ill, the suffering and the dying. not subjecting myself or our child to that. shudder. i'm not that crazy.

• have you seen your baby yet?

ultrasounds have never been monitored for long term risks from exposure. they are a known unknown non-empirical technology. ultrasound machines are not monitored by any safety board, there is no standardized calibration, and technicians receive no training in the technology or its use which is why fools like Tom Cruise can buy one online to use on his cloned spawn. what is known is that there is known cellular mutation with exposure and babies get very agitated in the womb when exposed to ultrasound. there is no safe amount of exposure to ultrasound and one should limit exposure unless medically necessary. that said, we are having one ultrasound later this month. mainly to rule out twins which run in my paternal family. midwives say it skips a generation though.

on a humanistic level, this thinker dude (blanking on the name) commented that the two images that have profoundly changed humanity's paradigm of thinking is the picture of the earth from outer space and the ultrasound image of the unborn. prior to those two images, we could never imagine mother earth as something separate from ourselves, nor could we imagine the baby separate from the mother. when those images were published we furthered our alienation from self, motherhood, nature, etc. which puts us square in this current situation of rampant ecological destruction and fear of vaginas/vulvas-cum-compartmentalized maternity/pediatric healthcare. anyways, ultrasound pictures of babies just look like freaky aliens to me. they don't really generate warm fuzzy "awwww"s from me. its not like i want to bond with an alien. i mean i've watched plenny sci-fi movies. got no love for extra-terrestrials.

• are you having morning sickness?

nope. blessed be! both our moms had easy pregnancies and no vomiting. i have not worshipped the porcelain god this trimester. so i glow. really. it's the increased circulation and extra hormones.

no constipation either. except when our sewer line bust last week and all i had was a bucket for my midnight/early am pregnancy pees.

• are you having any cravings?

i am having a liking for certain things under certain circumstances, but nothing i would call a craving (though ms. Lily says otherwise). but i'm not upset or disappointed if i don't get it, nor am i demanding T. obtain it at odd hours. in general, cravings are your body's way of asking for missing nutrients. so the typical preggers craving for ice cream & pickles is really your body asking for more protein & calcium, and the sour/vinegar to help facilitate the absorption of the calcium. our brains just interpret that in simplistic ways accessible in our modern fast food nation reality. as a rule, T & i eat very healthy and balanced, whole foods, no junk food, not too much processed/fast foods because of my sensitivity to chemicals and allergens. so i'm not having much in the way of cravings. though i will say, i am not desiring sweets, in fact they kinda repulse me. too much sugar, nutritionally empty calories makes me want to hurl. and my lactose intolerance has gotten worse. since i cut wheat and dairy out for a mucus-free diet a few months ago, my allergies have improved immensely. this last weekend, subjected to work retreat and poor lunch menu planning, i had to eat alot of crappy phonebook fast food--pizza & cantonese. bleck. allergies came back in spades both skin rashes and sneezing at nothing. just goes to show food is medicinal. you eat crap, you feel like crap.

we've been getting our nutrients from food so i've been able to stay off the prenatal supplements that generally make one vomit. fyi seaweed is a miracle food in terms of both iron and folic acid and similar minerals content as your own blood. we all came from the ocean at some point.

our biggest challenge is that i've noticed uncooked/unprepared/greasy foods sorta gross me out too as does repetition. by extension, the whole "raw foods" food trend is just blah to me (sorry, Chanda but that was not doing it for me. left me so hungry-tired that i slept 12 hours that night.) which means that i don't want to eat anything in our refrigerator. we're having to do multiple runs to the grocery store in week so it's a good thing we live within blocks of three grocery stores!

so if i crave anything, it's variety. also, i still can't eat anything i didn't like BP (Before Pregnant) like raw onions or dairy but in addition, chicken breast and salmon repel me. and unfortunately i seem to have reached a limit on lao sausage. i'm hoping that just means not for three meals in a row...

simple and mouthwateringly good high end restaurant food really really appeals to me like egg sandwich but a gourmet egg sandwich that is the best i've ever had!!! i'm still waiting for food to taste extra delicious. so the food channel is very dangerous. i just want tasty, nutritious food, my parents' homecooking, meal variety and i don't want to cook. poor T. (many thanx to Lily for rescuing him for 2 nights in a row). so that's why i'm going to SanD at the end of the month, i want bánh giò|banana leaf wrapped glutinous rice flour stuffed with pork & woodear fungus, cua rang muối|crispy salt & pepper crab, canh chua|tamarind fish soup, at least two varieties of xôi|sticky rice--savory & sweet, any kind of gỏi, canh|brothy vegetable soups, chạo tôm|shrimp paste on sugar cane, etc. sigh, heaven. who says you can never go home again?

• is it a boy or a girl?
  

we're not going to find out. there are so few moments of genuine delight & surprise in life. this is going to be one of them. this also means that we don't want a bunch of pink & blue crap. we like colors--primary colors, bright colors, the whole rainbow of colors, black even. pastels are... okay and in moderation. and then there is the ultrasound issue. and yes, Uyên, it's T's decision too. mr. boy scout likes to be impulsive sometimes too. in a planned and defined manner. we have a workplan and a budget.

• do you want a boy or a girl?

we would love either. personally i loved (and hated) having an older brother who looked out for me and would write gruesome death threats to kids who bullied me. he would also torment me, really TORMENT me, endlessly though with personalized insult songs, so it's a tough choice. i also loved having an older sister (mostly). so yeah, really, i loved being the youngest. and you can't really determine that for your first child. so, we leave it up to the goddesses & ancestors to decide. and yeah sposedly T's sperm. like he has any control over that. our midwife who is also a second-degree reiki practitioner says that its a spirit familiar to us and she also told us what gender energy she was getting from the baby's gold-orange aura and my mom with her maternal psychic intuition has a prediction, but we're not telling. flip a coin.

• what are you going to name her/him?

that's for us to know and you to mis-pronounce. just kidding. we haven't decided. it'll be a vinamese name. no surprise there. so if you would like to contribute to our kids' future therapy fund, please send us a check.

• how many kids do you want?

ideally, four. so they can pair up and no one gets left out. however T. says for every pet we have, that's one less child. we already have two cats and i really want two mini donkeys (because any animal deprived of contact with its own species is going to be mal-adjusted, neurotic and co-dependent) so... its still under negotiation. i say, put the donkeys to work. get them to keep our quarter acre yard trim and rent them out to the neighbors for their lawn & kiddie parties. they don't have to be useless pets, they can be revenue generating!