goddess of grief

[N.B. I originally wrote & posted this poem for a dear and lovely friend of mine many moons ago. After standing at the threshold of Life and Death and losing mine own, I (re)view it anew with raw eyes and a womb that weeps blood.  This poem has since been published in SQUAT! Birth Journal Spring 2013 http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/536994]



wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
hands cupped to receive
tasting of the bitter
salted with loss
sorrow for what was
and glimpsed could-have-been’s
of a vanished future
of a seed within
ageless from the beginning of Self
dandelion filament
borne off to the elements
wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
moon wanes in grief
womb betrayed
bereft and laid bare to the core
wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
a Mother’s wisdom borne
intuitive
a Mother’s power borne
betwixt Life and Death
a Mother’s Love borne
infinite
forgiving
wind water earth fire
blood salt tears
hands cupped to receive
cleansing breath
cleansing blood salt tears
hallowed for blessings to come

for 10

resume

I've lead an eclectic, esoteric, mercurial journey through life and as I reach my reflective midlife, sometimes I wish my life-resume showed a little more... direction. Meandering is just another way of not planning.

And then sometimes, I look over everything I've experienced in my late-blooming adulthood--speed reading teacher, mariachi band, poetess, martial artist, self-defense instructor, youth organizer, crafter/artisan, ballroom dancer, teacher sometime write of poetry and prosery, procrastinator, anthropologist (all the former while being in a doctoral program and being a terrible student, obviously), CBO researcher/info activist, trainer, facilitator, interviewer, popular educator, screenwriter & production designer, midwifery student, doula, gala planner, blogger, itinerant CSA heritage pork dealer, homesteader, priestess, bellydancer, mother ( I actually became a goddess but folks have issue with honoring the sacred feminine...), working mother, finance director, communicator, campaign researcher, union elected, negotiator--and I have enjoyed the journey, friends gained and the myriad life lessons earned, even those steeped in sorrow and inscribed in ink.

While I'll always wish I made more of the opportunities (should have traveled more, should have found a new Wing Chun dojo), I'll never wish that I made less.

Is it just the third decade that thinned out my creativity or is it birthing myself as mother? Working mother is another way of being absent for the hours that matter most to my daughter.

As I prepare to embark on a sabbatical, I anticipate the prospect of being without boundaries and a safe job to define myself and my time.  I am trepidatious.  I want to make the best of this breathing period. I want to find my calling, pursue my dreams and passion. I want to be a mother whose absences do not define the week.

motherhood is the new irony

my baby, oh my baby,

she is the sun, the moon, the stars,
the universe, the ancestors, the future.
miss her, love her

and when i'm with her,
i wish for 15 goddamn minutes to myself.

Calloo callay, oh frabjous day! my favorite pre-pregnancy jeans fit.

ok, so there is some spandex involved but only like 3%.

seven months

ok, so it's been a minute since i've posted. i've been meaning to put out a blog during month 6th but between one thing and another (mostly work and the decompressing afterwards) i havent gotten around to it.

around 24 weeks, i became visibly pregnant. not the "is she, isn't she, maybe i shouldn't assume, could be an all-you-can-eat buffet meal" kind of pregnant, but the "whoa nelly, where-the-heck-did-that-come-from?" kind of pregnant. no complaints. i've actually been enjoying it. in spite of the anti-reproduction/population control misanthropes out there, there's a great deal of social benefit to being visibly pregnant. i get doors opened for me; i've gone to the head of bathroom lines; i don't have to carry anything; i get good seating, a lot of smiles, eye contact, compliments. in other words, courtesy & consideration. behavior that is generally missing in daily social interactions at large.

now i do get the "you're so big" comments from folks i haven't seen in a while and even from folks i see everyday. curiously enough, though i have my own vanities & hang ups, that comment doesn't bother me. mainly because i am big and i am just as amazed as they are. its absolutely marvellous. there is a little Being inside of me growing day-by-day. i can feel lekkle paws testing the boundaries of his/her known world, responding to my voice, to T's voice, to our hands, to whatever i consume, to life itself. in a misogynistic culture where a woman's body is gauged by comparison to a man's body and found lacking, how can i be anything but pleased at the innate capability of my body to nurture this spark of life and love?

for whatever reason, whatever vibe i put out into the world, i haven't gotten the random strangers (or even friends) touching my belly. and the folks that have touched my belly have been in a familiar (as in they feel like family), non-threatening way. and baby usually gives them an exhibition of his/her shyness/kicking power.

i have to cut this post short because i worked 11 days straight on work deadlines and yesterday we had a full day at the farmer's market, walked halfway around Lake Merritt, had our prenatal appointment, and then off to the city to see The Color Purple at the Orpheum with free tickets that our neighbors Pablo & Suzette gave us since they weren't able to attend themselves. (like the movie & novel, it was amazingly good, powerful, moving, emotional without being sentimental, cliche or trite, and characters with depth and nuance (even the "mister" character). i loved the movie as a kid and i cried through the whole musical. it was even better than the movie... and it was nice to have a real date rather than our usual hot fri/saturday Tarzhay date. inevitably on date night, we find ourselves at Target.)

anyways, after so much activity & work (plus T's been painting the bedroom so there's been all that commotion & related chores), and the nutmeg OD, over the last week, i've been increasingly been having more & more braxton-hicks contractions so i'm kinda on bedrest now. midwife's orders. they're not painful, just uterus toning rock hard to prepare for labor & birth. yesterday mornin, i had 6 braxtons before getting out of bed at 10am and that's not counting the ones i had in my sleep. normally, you have less than six a day at this stage. in the short amount of time after we got off the Fruitvale BART and walked the 30 yards to the car near midnight, i had 4 braxtons back-to-back each one progressively slowing me down. so i'm mostly obeying. no early labor for us. luckily i was planning on taking comptime on monday (and some on tuesday) anyways so i kept my schedule clear of meetings. and what with the holidays and all, i'm mostly working 3-4 day weeks until i go on maternity leave on February 1st. so that's better, more sane.

good news, we're back on track with baby growth. measuring exactly 28 weeks as i should.* a month ago we had a blip where i was measuring 26 weeks when i should have been 24. so, this means (and we already knew intuitively and just by daily palpation), no twins. sigh. slightly disappointed, though relieved that i can have a homebirth after all. and this also means baby is not growing too fast.

ooh. here comes another braxton. i'm out.

oh one last thing, try the dark chocolate sea salt caramels at Trader Joes. i don't normally like caramel because of its cloying sweetness, but they are divine!

*midwife trick of the trade is that your uterus grows 1 cm for every week past 20 weeks so you measure from the pubic bone to the fundus and provided that you & baby are growing normally, it matches with your dates one-to-one exactly! 28 weeks = 28 centimeters. yet another reason why the inches/feet system makes no rational sense.

the quickening

no, the quickening is not when the lifeforce of one beheaded Immortal is released into another. yet another violent metaphoric co-optation of birth. (and unbelievably, T. has yet to see The Highlander. where was he in the 80s?! he never heard Sean Connery say in his thick scottish brogue "there can only be one!" what a deprived childhood. i sense Highlander film fest!)

the Quickening is the moment when the baby's movement is intuited by the mother. by pre-technology/pre-20th century standards, it is the beginning of Life.

now the darling pregnancy books all say that it starts after 16 weeks when the bones begin to harden (most primaparous/firsttime mothers feel it around 20 weeks) and that it feels like butterflies or fluttering. how precious.

so not what i am feeling. i thought the gurgling, twinges and uterine cramp-stretching i've been feeling over the last two weeks was gas or uterine growth or ligaments adjusting to the prenatal chiro. and then as trung lay his palm over my abdomen a few nights ago and felt the erratic pulsing himself, it dawned on us, that's bé and s/he is seriously punching me! now it makes sense why a few weeks ago (at 16.5 weeks), i woke T. up in the middle of the night hollering in my sleep "STOP POKING ME!" i wish i could say it's precious being kicked in the cojones by tiny paws. it rather feels like kittens in one's sweater--squirming into a toasty position and then a rumpus when rồngtý picks a fight with tiêntý's tail and then they squirm into a new cozy position. bé likes to use my bladder as a gas pedal "đi mao len đi má!|go, mommy go!"

it is rather endearing though. we still haven't heard the bé's heartbeat on the fetascope, but we can *hear* bé moving--rather, elbowing me womb, must be T.'s karate genes--with the fetascope. (is there two? how can bé move so fast from one end of my uterus to the other?) i like that our first proof of Life is a shared, sensory/sensual experience, both our hands on my belly, and not from some device.

i swear it's just eating very well at 10 & 11's wedding weekend, but i didn't flatten out the next morning. lots of good food (and a wee bit of caffeine). major overnight growth spurt. i could hardly sleep for all the womb-commotion. we're in official baby bump territory.

the transformation to motherhood is a trip. your skin stretches, your womb expands, your heart grows, your soul unfolds.

irreverend L.

weo, i officiated my first wedding ceremony for my friends 10 and 11.

it was a magical and lovely wedding weekend in the "Hamptons" of the bay area--aka Stinsons Beach. i feel very honored and blessed to have shared such an intimate heartfelt experience. there is something very special about being the celebrant and guiding a couple through that sacred rite of passage. maybe i was born to be a priestess--albeit a pagan one. and i conducted the ceremony barefoot & pregnant. hah. the bride was lovely and stunning in a red and white floral summery halter top. and the groom was fine in his white linen suit and red pinstripe button-up (although i do feel wierd saying that about a man i consider my cousin).

to prepare 10 & 11, eons ago i shared a wedding ceremony template borrowed from my neighbor, a native elder & spiritual leader, for my own commitment ceremony and had them answer questions about marriage, their relationship, challenges, why they love each other. deep stuff and humorous. (T. and i are considering photocopying their answers and distributing them at this weekend's reception.) they gave me feedback on what they wanted to see in their ceremony, meaningful cultural rituals, and then gave me their responses and the beginnings of their vows (which like every other couple planning a wedding they didn't finish til the last minute). i had wrote much of the ceremony months ago--one of the few things in life i didn't procrastinate on. i've been waiting for this day practically since i've known 10 nine years ago. Love is a great motivator.

folks enjoyed the ceremony. like 10 & 11, it was generous, tender, inclusive, loving and irreverent. just to give an idea, their commitment was sealed with diamond-encrusted gold horseshoe rings inherited from 11's parents from the 1970s and their vows included things like "fried chicken" and "lactose intolerance" amongst all the soul-deep love.

i was requested to share my "sermon." so here it is, minus the stuff that doesn't belong to me (readings, vows, etc).

WELCOME

Greetings and blessings, kindred. We are gathered today in Community and Love to rejoice in the union of two giving and compassionate Souls, 10 and 11.

All of us here have shared in the long journey of their relationship as it has ebbed and flowed over many moons and many years of their lives. And through it all, all the sea of heartaches and all the oceans of joy, they have held each other in their hearts, closer than breath, more precious than water. 11, you were always the constant ocean to her moon. 10, you always gave him the universe to be his whole self. The changes and growth you have experienced in your times apart have ultimately drawn you back together. That is truly a rare and precious gift.

We as your family, your friends, your community, we have collectively supported you both as individuals and as a couple in embarking on this path together. And today, we share in this blessing of your marriage, and with Heaven and Earth, bear witness to your spiritual commitment to one another.

MOMENT OF REFLECTION

Our tears today are tears of Joy; tears that taste like Love itself. In Vietnamese we say, Uống nước nhớ nguồn. As you drink water, remember its source. As we drink in the Love and Joy, let us take a communal moment of spiritual reflection to remember, to breathe deeply, to invoke ancestors and loved ones who cannot be here with us today, to feel their Presence and Love surrounding, guiding, and blessing this union.

PAUSE

MESSAGE

10 and 11 prepared for this moment, this ceremony—you might say they’ve been preparing for it nearly half their lives—to infuse it with their understandings and beliefs, personality & humor. To 11 and 10, marriage means a lifelong spiritual commitment to share in life’s journey as two strong individuals building an even stronger relationship because of all the challenges they’ve faced as a couple over the last 15 years. This is a union based on shared values & political principles, balancing individual identities, shared responsibility, expectations, limitations and boundaries.

10, 11, this spiritual connection shared with each another you have inscribed with your own secret map and legend written by your shared memories, matured communication, constant laughter, support, love and hopes for your shared future. The pathway to Love's communion reflects your continual struggle and growth as a couple, as future parents, and as members of this community. Through this union you will gain patience and your two families--the B's and the T's--will forever be joined through you.

Visionary bell hooks speaks of Love as a choice. It is a choice that is transformative, centered in sharing and mutuality, and built through Justice.

She writes, “When we commit to true love, we are committed to Being Changed, to being acted upon by the Beloved in a way that enables us to be more fully self-actualized. This [mutual] commitment to change is Chosen. . . True love is unconditional, but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change. The Heartbeat of True Love is the willingness to reflect on one’s actions, and to process and communicate this reflection with the loved one.”

Like many meaningful life-passages, your union today is for us, what hooks calls “the fabulous moment of Pause where we begin to contemplate the true Meaning of Love in our lives. We begin to see clearly how much love matters, not the old patriarchal versions of ‘love’ but a deeper understanding of LOVE AS A TRANSFORMATIONAL FORCE demanding of each individual Accountability and Responsibility for nurturing our spiritual growth.”

11 and 10, in your old life before this day you were two friends, two sometime lovers; henceforth you become one Family and we all bear witness to the birth of your Union in Love. As your kindred and community, we are bound with our presence to support your choice to commit to each other, to ground you, and be an active presence in the endurance of your relationship. So as you embark on this new life together as a family, you both have a sacred responsibility to each other, to your united families and your community, a commitment to struggle and change, a willingness to love and through that love, be transformed.

Two lovely readings from an Ilocano poem and Kahlil Gibran & an original song by I-80.

VOWS OF INTENT

This day of uniting and commitment is sanctified by the deepest yearnings of our souls for unity, communion with the spiritual, and for the chance to transform ourselves.

10 and 11, from the depths of your souls, speak now the vows you have written for each other.

the vows were classically them.

RING EXCHANGE

The ring is a symbol of the cycles of renewal and life, một lời vâng tạc đá-vàng thủy-chung, a vow of constancy etched in stone and gold. Auspicious horseshoe rings.

very lovely ring exchange vows.

COMMUNITY BLESSING

When two souls come together in spiritual communion, we rejoice in Love and Hope.

11 and 10 wholeheartedly believe in the joining of their families, friends, and community as part of their commitment to one another. They welcome you, their guests, to lift your voices in short and simple blessings on this day. If the spirit moves you, please share a blessing now.

lots of "Gazebos!"

PRONOUNCEMENT

10 and 11,

As you made your decision to commit to this union based on Love,

Let Love be the guiding force in your marriage;

May Love soften the edges of anger and melt away selfishness;

Let Love give you the patience, the grace and the strength to change together.

As your kin & community, We now pronounce you life partners. Blessed be.

KISS. Duh.

CLOSING

Community please blow kisses to 10 & 11.

fifteen

i was a trifle disconcerted last month by the idea, but discussing with our midwife Selena my moon cycle journal, LMP, spin, factoring in my bà ngoại's stroke, the womb blessing, my emotional/spiritual state at the probable times of ovulation & conception, and the location of my fundus (top of the uterus), i'm not as far along as previously thought. it had thrown me for a loop earlier because i had gotten so invested in the progressive week-by-week pregnancy/baby descriptions. i surprised myself how much of the pregnancy i was still externalizing to some western "authoritative" scientific text in spite of eschewing at least some of the unnecessary interventions of technology. shows you how much we internalize the western production of knowledge and the cartesian body-mind binary. i do have a cerebral tendency. earlier this year, i saw my sister's acupuncturist-chiropractor Dr. Dawn and she diagnosed my pulse and told me that i live in my head too much. she also surmised that i was the youngest child, and independent/headstrong/slightly rebellious. that wasn't from my pulse though, that was from the tattoos.

so now we collectively estimate that i'm 15 weeks along, making our due date March 1st. (this means Liz, that i wasn't pregnant yet when we saw you at Yan's 100 days.) Selena suggested i consider continuing hypnotherapy with Nancy (herself a former midwife) since emotional state profoundly influences birth and Anabelle's anniversary may jumpstart or stall labor. but between my out-of-pocket costs--prenatal bellydancing, tai chi class, going to chiro, childbirth preparation class, baby CPR certification, acupuncture co-pays, maternity clothes (!) and compensating the midwife (who is worth so much more than we can afford)--we can't afford it.

though my Uterus has obligingly cooperated by moving to the center of my abdomen, off of my herniated disk/sciatic nerve, she still is tilted way back. Selena palpated and faintly heard/felt bé's heartbeat with a fetascope. i couldn't hear it for my own pulse and T. thought he might have heard/felt it too. so Selena lent us the fetascope to try at home til we hear it since i don't want to use the doppler (a smaller portable ultrasound device).

we met Sarah, our midwife's assistant and our childbirth prep instructor, and her 6 month old daughter Samaya and her husband Daoud (sp?), who is Cham Vietnamese. as it turns out, his sister works for a sister-organization of mine. small small world. have i mentioned how loving our midwife is? our birth team is coming together and it's comforting to feel the relationship is grounded in community.

last night, we hung out with T's family (ba mẹ mợ 2 má 4--just got here from VN again--anh chị họ) and i was happy to confirm that chị Trinh, his cousin Hoàng's spouse, is very close to me in pregnancy. yay! somemama to share with! she's 17 weeks along and her due date is mid-February. we traded some pregnancy stories. they recently moved from Union City to down the block from Trung's parents. in addition to having more family in walking distance, it helps to normalize pregnancy with his parents. there haven't been many babies in this generation just yet, just T's mini-me who is 10 now. so it was a happy time. and i got to hear lots of T. & siblings' babyhood stories and discovered the origins of his affiinity for thịt kho chuối chín|pork stew with ripe bananas. and má 4 kept squeezing my forearm in the way vinamese female elders do she was so happy. we introduced the idea that we have a doctor (sorta) and a bà đỡ đễ or bà mụ|midwife (also means the Goddess believed to give shape to and protect babies. cool!). we haven't decided yet how much to reveal, though i'd like to avoid more anxiety on their part, i'm disinclined to lie. at least, so far my má who will be there for the homebirth has been accepting of all our decisions especially b/c i take care to ground them in our cultural-historical context and her own experience with natural birth (bro & sis) and medicated birth (me)--though she did scoff a little about going diaperless at least in the US context. it seems that his parents would be receptive and their thinking isn't all that far off from our own, but doctors have a social significance and it may be hard for them to accept that we aren't going that route... we'll see.

apparently the acceptable mốt|môde for Vinamese pregnancies is the muumuu or the empire-waisted muumuu that btw is hella not flattering and makes you look far larger (which is what chị Trinh was wearing, so she looked way bigger than me for all that she is only 2 weeks ahead). and it makes sense that in the tropics you would want to wear something very loose fitting since you are generating your own thermal nuclear source of heat. but we're not in the tropics and the weather has turned cool at night. and, i don't own any muumuus except for the A-line housedress my mama just gave me. [ i recently tried it on for the first time. it's a muumuu. sigh.] so everyone except mợ 2 & má 4 commented on my fitted tshirt & pants. (fitted clothes have the optical illusion of making you seem smaller than the empire waisted loose waist ones.) so i had to show each one of them the elastic waistband to convince them that it was maternity and comfortable. and still they felt i should really be wearing a muumuu. later chị Trinh asked me where i got my pants. so at least the other bà bầu doesn't think muumuus are de rigeur.

i know. this blog has become less sardonic, ironic, pop culture-tinged commentary and more pregnancy journal. at least i'm still sardonic & ironic about the whole thing.

magic powers

so i hung out with my mom and Bà Tiến yesterday who my mom tricked into going up to North County and having dinner with my sister for the whole afternoon and evening. Like most Vinamese people, she prefers the xe máy|moped to the xe hơi|auto as a form of transportation. at least she doesn't get sooo carsick that she's vomiting all the time like most Vinamese people. she's here visiting my Bà Ngoại from Thử Đức, outside Sài Gòn. she has the same country accent as Bà Ngoại; says an emphatic không with that voiceless nasal release at the end that makes many people think that most vinamese words end in a p/b because the lips come together and the sound is unvoiced, and retroflexes all her voiced alveolar fricatives. so dì|maternal aunty sounds almost like rì and dễ thương|cute, loveable sounds like rễ thương.

so in addition to Bà Tiến giving me a nickname based on my condition Bầu (the equivalent of calling me "Preggie". oh, this is where i get that reductive nickname tendency from!*) she also said i have healing powers. so vinamese folks believe a first-time pregnant mom has the ability to heal people by massaging or squeezing or pressing the painful area according to how many vitalities they have (men have 7; women have 9). so she had me acupressure a spot at the top of her head where she had previously given herself a goose-egg/concussion. what could i do but comply. i don't know if her head pain has gone. my mom and dad who don't "believe" nevertheless had me squeeze their painful elbow, wrist as well as Bà Ngoại's more paralyzed right arm. who knows if it'll work. i mean if i can generate Life cell-by-cell, then it stands to reason. what can't i do?

i have healing powers. cool.

oh, and how happy am i that Henry's (the local more natural grocery store now operated by Wild Oats) has bulk mexican candies? i can have my tejocote and be lead-free... mom is under strict orders to memorize the location & serpentina candy appearance so she can keep me well-supplied. i'm already running out and am awaiting my next shipment along with my maternity áo dài.

*it could also be that she finds my Hawaiian name a pain to pronounce since its three syllables. remember its a monosyllabic language.

musings on 42

my sister Uyên just called me out on my lack of "substantive" posts of late. substantive being relative since we all know how i like to ramble on, usually in mid-thought, about esoteric things that pop into my head (like klingon love letters. i can't believe you lost them, Trung! batlh bIHeghjaj! bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'.) low brain to mouth filter. blame it on the drugs my mom took during labor.

my bloglite excuse is -- weo, how to delicately say -- i am with child|có bàu. yes, T. & i have borg'ed ourselves the old-fashioned way and we are now nguyễn³ (can chú Bình claim credit for taking us to Bải Bàu in Qui Nhơn in april? or the hokey new age-y womb-blessing on my birthday?) as of tomorrow i will be 13 weeks along and almost officially out of my first trimester. par-tay! because it is damn fatiguing to generate a human being!

Uyên made the request for belly shots. for you undomesticated non-breeding folks, that is not cheap tequila drunk from the pierced navel of some young thing who probably doesn't have good hygiene; belly shots would be a progressive montage of the alien being gestating in my womb until it emerges gnashing and clawing from my abdomen to dominate the world. just kidding. yes, yes, children are blessings and a woman's ability to give Life, to Birth, is Sacred. without this, our survival as a species would end. blahblah. how alienated are we from women's reproductive capacity that the major pop culture reference for pregnancy is parasitic and destructive? the misogyny of society. makes you understand why the cesarean rate in the U.S. is almost 28% and voluntary cesareans (that is major abdominal surgery) is on the rise. fear of vaginas.

theoretical physicist stephen j. hawking comments, "I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image." he is a genius, an expansive intellectual contemplating the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything (the Deep Thought answer to which is 42, leaving us to ponder, what is the Ultimate Question?), and yet that is an incredibly stupid thing to say. as my bà ngoại|maternal grandmother often rebukes my aunties & uncles with her folk wisdom aphorism "mày nghĩ mày khôn quá hả mày chui ra đít tao!|you think you're so smart, you crawled out of my pussy!" put you in your place, punk! (now you understand where i learned how to curse.) women have been creating Life in our own image from the beginning of human time. it doesn't take a PhD or an MD to accomplish that.

so for the belly shots, weo, i'm not cutely pregnant yet (when if ever does that happen pray tell?). i'm slightly bloated, a beer belly of sorts late in the day. my clothes fit wierdly and why are all the clothes in my existing wardrobe so form fitting & cropped? i do glow though, for the record. absolutely luminous. T. has been documenting the process on the monthly (and sometimes weekly) basis. i might be persuaded to post the belly pix, but that requires bribery. food bribery (see the FAQs below).

for the curious, now that we are pregnant, you no longer have to refrain from asking me about my reproductive status or sex life. now commences the pregnancy phase and the ensuing, mostly welcome questions. for your curious pleasure:

MY PREGNANCY FAQS

• are you showing yet?

i am not showing. unless you count my distended intestines that get more compacted as the day wears on. so don't bother touching my belly because you're really just feeling up the detritus and effluvia of my digestion. my Uterus happens to be electric-slide tipped back and to the far left. if you see me rubbing my belly, i am not at this point touchingly bonding with my unborn child, i am really just encouraging some gas to pass. when i lay down and palpate my abdomen (i'm curious too), i can just barely feel her edge (my Uterus is a She btw) tucked deep into my left pelvis. my Uterus and i are in conversation right now trying to reach consensus agreement. i would like her to be upfront and center so that i can avoid having anal internal exams during my prenatals. you read that right. midwife has got to do bi-manual internal exams and palpate to assess baby's growth someway.

• have you seen your doctor yet?

meet my midwife Selena. she's a grandmother, been a doula for many years, owns a birth center, and practices 2nd degree reiki (i'm not really sure what that means either).

we're old-fashioned DIY-ers and we're choosing the safest birth choice possible. we're planning a normal, safe homebirth. babies everywhere else in the world have been born this way since time immemorial. don't see why we should pay an ob-gyn $10K for less than 15 minutes of care and loads of medical interventions. i've seen all the doctor TV shows, i know doctors think of childbirth as a mortally dangerous disease best performed strapped down on her back in a drug-resistant-staph-ridden hospital amongst the ill, the suffering and the dying. not subjecting myself or our child to that. shudder. i'm not that crazy.

• have you seen your baby yet?

ultrasounds have never been monitored for long term risks from exposure. they are a known unknown non-empirical technology. ultrasound machines are not monitored by any safety board, there is no standardized calibration, and technicians receive no training in the technology or its use which is why fools like Tom Cruise can buy one online to use on his cloned spawn. what is known is that there is known cellular mutation with exposure and babies get very agitated in the womb when exposed to ultrasound. there is no safe amount of exposure to ultrasound and one should limit exposure unless medically necessary. that said, we are having one ultrasound later this month. mainly to rule out twins which run in my paternal family. midwives say it skips a generation though.

on a humanistic level, this thinker dude (blanking on the name) commented that the two images that have profoundly changed humanity's paradigm of thinking is the picture of the earth from outer space and the ultrasound image of the unborn. prior to those two images, we could never imagine mother earth as something separate from ourselves, nor could we imagine the baby separate from the mother. when those images were published we furthered our alienation from self, motherhood, nature, etc. which puts us square in this current situation of rampant ecological destruction and fear of vaginas/vulvas-cum-compartmentalized maternity/pediatric healthcare. anyways, ultrasound pictures of babies just look like freaky aliens to me. they don't really generate warm fuzzy "awwww"s from me. its not like i want to bond with an alien. i mean i've watched plenny sci-fi movies. got no love for extra-terrestrials.

• are you having morning sickness?

nope. blessed be! both our moms had easy pregnancies and no vomiting. i have not worshipped the porcelain god this trimester. so i glow. really. it's the increased circulation and extra hormones.

no constipation either. except when our sewer line bust last week and all i had was a bucket for my midnight/early am pregnancy pees.

• are you having any cravings?

i am having a liking for certain things under certain circumstances, but nothing i would call a craving (though ms. Lily says otherwise). but i'm not upset or disappointed if i don't get it, nor am i demanding T. obtain it at odd hours. in general, cravings are your body's way of asking for missing nutrients. so the typical preggers craving for ice cream & pickles is really your body asking for more protein & calcium, and the sour/vinegar to help facilitate the absorption of the calcium. our brains just interpret that in simplistic ways accessible in our modern fast food nation reality. as a rule, T & i eat very healthy and balanced, whole foods, no junk food, not too much processed/fast foods because of my sensitivity to chemicals and allergens. so i'm not having much in the way of cravings. though i will say, i am not desiring sweets, in fact they kinda repulse me. too much sugar, nutritionally empty calories makes me want to hurl. and my lactose intolerance has gotten worse. since i cut wheat and dairy out for a mucus-free diet a few months ago, my allergies have improved immensely. this last weekend, subjected to work retreat and poor lunch menu planning, i had to eat alot of crappy phonebook fast food--pizza & cantonese. bleck. allergies came back in spades both skin rashes and sneezing at nothing. just goes to show food is medicinal. you eat crap, you feel like crap.

we've been getting our nutrients from food so i've been able to stay off the prenatal supplements that generally make one vomit. fyi seaweed is a miracle food in terms of both iron and folic acid and similar minerals content as your own blood. we all came from the ocean at some point.

our biggest challenge is that i've noticed uncooked/unprepared/greasy foods sorta gross me out too as does repetition. by extension, the whole "raw foods" food trend is just blah to me (sorry, Chanda but that was not doing it for me. left me so hungry-tired that i slept 12 hours that night.) which means that i don't want to eat anything in our refrigerator. we're having to do multiple runs to the grocery store in week so it's a good thing we live within blocks of three grocery stores!

so if i crave anything, it's variety. also, i still can't eat anything i didn't like BP (Before Pregnant) like raw onions or dairy but in addition, chicken breast and salmon repel me. and unfortunately i seem to have reached a limit on lao sausage. i'm hoping that just means not for three meals in a row...

simple and mouthwateringly good high end restaurant food really really appeals to me like egg sandwich but a gourmet egg sandwich that is the best i've ever had!!! i'm still waiting for food to taste extra delicious. so the food channel is very dangerous. i just want tasty, nutritious food, my parents' homecooking, meal variety and i don't want to cook. poor T. (many thanx to Lily for rescuing him for 2 nights in a row). so that's why i'm going to SanD at the end of the month, i want bánh giò|banana leaf wrapped glutinous rice flour stuffed with pork & woodear fungus, cua rang muối|crispy salt & pepper crab, canh chua|tamarind fish soup, at least two varieties of xôi|sticky rice--savory & sweet, any kind of gỏi, canh|brothy vegetable soups, chạo tôm|shrimp paste on sugar cane, etc. sigh, heaven. who says you can never go home again?

• is it a boy or a girl?
  

we're not going to find out. there are so few moments of genuine delight & surprise in life. this is going to be one of them. this also means that we don't want a bunch of pink & blue crap. we like colors--primary colors, bright colors, the whole rainbow of colors, black even. pastels are... okay and in moderation. and then there is the ultrasound issue. and yes, Uyên, it's T's decision too. mr. boy scout likes to be impulsive sometimes too. in a planned and defined manner. we have a workplan and a budget.

• do you want a boy or a girl?

we would love either. personally i loved (and hated) having an older brother who looked out for me and would write gruesome death threats to kids who bullied me. he would also torment me, really TORMENT me, endlessly though with personalized insult songs, so it's a tough choice. i also loved having an older sister (mostly). so yeah, really, i loved being the youngest. and you can't really determine that for your first child. so, we leave it up to the goddesses & ancestors to decide. and yeah sposedly T's sperm. like he has any control over that. our midwife who is also a second-degree reiki practitioner says that its a spirit familiar to us and she also told us what gender energy she was getting from the baby's gold-orange aura and my mom with her maternal psychic intuition has a prediction, but we're not telling. flip a coin.

• what are you going to name her/him?

that's for us to know and you to mis-pronounce. just kidding. we haven't decided. it'll be a vinamese name. no surprise there. so if you would like to contribute to our kids' future therapy fund, please send us a check.

• how many kids do you want?

ideally, four. so they can pair up and no one gets left out. however T. says for every pet we have, that's one less child. we already have two cats and i really want two mini donkeys (because any animal deprived of contact with its own species is going to be mal-adjusted, neurotic and co-dependent) so... its still under negotiation. i say, put the donkeys to work. get them to keep our quarter acre yard trim and rent them out to the neighbors for their lawn & kiddie parties. they don't have to be useless pets, they can be revenue generating!

that's Ms. Reverend to you

i am now a Reverend ordained this day by the Universal Life Church in order to fulfill my pledge to officiate my friend's wedding. let the marriage festivities commence!

of the many titles and epithets i've accumulated over my lifetime, i think i might take this one a little more solemn to its due. though how does one acquire the Goddess title?