this is the first halloween we haven't lived in a locked gate apartment building (Oakland norm) and we're finally experiencing hallow's eve revelers. though our street gets alot of pedestrian activity in general since its up the block from the Laurel shopping district, we got less than two dozen kids (assumably cuz the single family homes in the Hills have better loot than the apartment dense Flats and the elementary schools hold safe halloween parties on campus). and we got the good candy reese's peanut butter cups, kit-kats, snickers, butterfingers...
so there were a handful cute little kindergartners & babies in full zip up costumes accompanied by their parents--and don't think the parents didn't try to hustle for their fair share--they got three pieces.
then there were the middle school kids who are starting to be a little too cool for costumes, so they rocked their urban stylishness, trendy tops, cropped jeans oh and a mask that they carried in their hand and would only don by request. we got some backtalk, but mostly they were sweet. saccharine sweet. they got two pieces.
then there were the packs of high schoolers or as i like to call them roving teenage bandits. these young'uns didn't even bother with costumes. they just roll up on your doorstep, do a a quarter turn when you answer the door so you could put the bribe--i mean treats--in their backpacks.
RTB: "trick or treat!"
me: "what are you dressed as?"
RTB: "oh. mahself." all sassy attitude.
me: "uh-huh. nice try." give two pieces of candy anyway because at this point, it's extortion.
RTB: "Happy Halloween!"
five of them at time. then roll out. and one of them threw their candy wrapper on our lawn. roll eyes.
Halloween sucks. is it just the new millenium and the culture of violence & depravity that have sucked all the fun out of this childhood ritual?
we watched the highly promoted reality show live Halloween special Ghost Hunters on the SciFi channel. six hours in a haunted abandoned sanitorium. yawn. we get suckered by this show every week by teasers that promise spectral thrills and all we get is temperature fluctuations, boring conversations between investigators as they while away the wee hours, and then anti-climactic electronic voice phenomenon (eery voices on a tape recorder. anything remotely exciting (like the blankets that mysteriously got pulled off the feet in the middle of the night) they go out of their way to debunk in that WASPy new england empirical way.) and yet like a sucker, i will watch the reveal next wednesday anyways.
the most exciting thing that happened is that all the commotion at the door freaked out our "special needs" cat rồngtý and he started obsessively licking his elbow raw again. so we double dosed him with rescue remedy and let him nurse tiêntý for comfort. hey, who are we to impose our human morals on other beings? we took their reproductive organs and this is how they get their rocks off. it's the rare time that they actually purr for more than 30 seconds.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
da pregnancy cravings code
so i learned some things in our childbirth prep class
when you crave...
best of all, don't get ravenous in the first place. if you're keeping your blood sugar levels up with nutritious meals.
when you crave...
- sweets/sugars (donuts, cookies, candy, etc.)
what your body really wants is energy. sugar is the quickest and most empty form of energy that we resort to when when we're desperate. empty calories is the primary reason americans are morbidly obese.
it's better to have protein which is a more durable source of energy.
- chocolate what your body really wants is iron.
best of all, don't get ravenous in the first place. if you're keeping your blood sugar levels up with nutritious meals.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
20 weeks
i feel pregnant.
um, no duh, right? somewhere in the last few weeks the whole enterprise became real to me.
maybe it was the baby quickening or the way my belly doubled in size between week 16 and now (i've gained 3 inches on my bust & hips and 7 inches on my waist since B.P. hubba hubba) or the lack of any of the "typical" signs of pregnancy (no vomiting, nausea, or bizarre midnite cravings). somewhere along the way, it became real. the baby became real.
did i mention the sleep deprivation? oh yes, prolly cuz i have back issues to begin with, i have increasingly gotten less and less restful sleep as the nighttime peeing has not abated and as the pressure on my spine made it impossible to sleep on my back (my favored position since slipping down some stairs years ago. twice.) nor on my side. the sense of my center of gravity being pulled forward and the tendency to swayback & slouch has me all off kilter. let me not underplay this, my spine hurts. my leftside nerves are literally fried. if you have ever had spinal/nerve injuries you understand the agony. i spent all of sunday on the couch just to recuperate from the lack of sleep the rest of the week (in addition to recovering from working overtime).
formerly pregnant women (aka mothers) talk about pillows. so many pillows your partner is exiled to sleep on the couch. mythical pillows. i tried every position, arrangement and pillow in the house--the bradley method (yes, there's a bradley method of sleeping. bradley is a husband coached natural childbirth method. not the same thing as Lamaze which is designed to facilitate the hospital staff's process of birth and has a 80-90% incidence of medicated birth.), pillows under my side & head and between the legs; i tried a pregnancy wedge, sofa throw pilllows. to no avail. i understand now why some pregnant women drop some serious cash on these ginormous pregnancy pillows (what do they do in VN where the wood "dining" table is the bed?). it steadily got worse over the last couple of weeks til i was reduced to tears of exhaustion. and even pregnant, i still don't cry easily. in that state if any mother said boo to me about pillows i prolly would have snarled and gone for the jugular. so it was a good thing i wasnt around any that particular meltdown day. though i won't vouchsafe for T. or my co-workers' post-L. stress disorder.
and then, oh joy! i discovered the magical pillow configuration (cue the paradise music). since i found the squashy couch immanently more comfortable (and 10's pillowtop guest bed in Sac) it stood to reason i needed more give (we have an extra firm organic rubber mattress with a wool mattress pad primarily so we can avoid the toxic off-gassing of most american beds. euro beds for reasons established elsewhere do not contain toxic chemicals.) so we doubled up a thick comforter and last night a down comforter as well on my side of the bed which is now raised above T.'s side six inches and that--plus a folded towel under my side and the pregnancy wedge pillow jammed in the small of my back for anti-tipping (any comments about cow-tipping will earn you stinkeye, a knuckle sandwich and The Finger)--did it. i'm still test-sleeping the diameter of the leg pillow also called gối ôm|hugging pillow in vinamese though for obvious reasons i call them phallic pillows.
so why am i up at 4am? the other pregnancy thing. i'm hungry. waiting for my hardboiled egg to cook. (my genius tip for peeling hardboiled eggs: using a teaspoon crack the wide end of the egg where the air pocket is. peel off just the air pocket. dip the spoon in the water and then slip in between the egg & membrane. circle the egg as you work your way towards the small end. the shell should peel off whole or in a long strip. this doesn't work as well with soft-boiled eggs because the membrane clings a little harder to the egg but still is easier than manual peeling.)
btw we heard bé's heartbeat at our prenatal on saturday. we gave in to the doppler. T. was more assured by hearing it than me, but then i have bé to keep me acrobatic company all day & night. still haven't conclusively ruled twins out. belly growth in next few weeks will really be diagnostic.
um, no duh, right? somewhere in the last few weeks the whole enterprise became real to me.
maybe it was the baby quickening or the way my belly doubled in size between week 16 and now (i've gained 3 inches on my bust & hips and 7 inches on my waist since B.P. hubba hubba) or the lack of any of the "typical" signs of pregnancy (no vomiting, nausea, or bizarre midnite cravings). somewhere along the way, it became real. the baby became real.did i mention the sleep deprivation? oh yes, prolly cuz i have back issues to begin with, i have increasingly gotten less and less restful sleep as the nighttime peeing has not abated and as the pressure on my spine made it impossible to sleep on my back (my favored position since slipping down some stairs years ago. twice.) nor on my side. the sense of my center of gravity being pulled forward and the tendency to swayback & slouch has me all off kilter. let me not underplay this, my spine hurts. my leftside nerves are literally fried. if you have ever had spinal/nerve injuries you understand the agony. i spent all of sunday on the couch just to recuperate from the lack of sleep the rest of the week (in addition to recovering from working overtime).
formerly pregnant women (aka mothers) talk about pillows. so many pillows your partner is exiled to sleep on the couch. mythical pillows. i tried every position, arrangement and pillow in the house--the bradley method (yes, there's a bradley method of sleeping. bradley is a husband coached natural childbirth method. not the same thing as Lamaze which is designed to facilitate the hospital staff's process of birth and has a 80-90% incidence of medicated birth.), pillows under my side & head and between the legs; i tried a pregnancy wedge, sofa throw pilllows. to no avail. i understand now why some pregnant women drop some serious cash on these ginormous pregnancy pillows (what do they do in VN where the wood "dining" table is the bed?). it steadily got worse over the last couple of weeks til i was reduced to tears of exhaustion. and even pregnant, i still don't cry easily. in that state if any mother said boo to me about pillows i prolly would have snarled and gone for the jugular. so it was a good thing i wasnt around any that particular meltdown day. though i won't vouchsafe for T. or my co-workers' post-L. stress disorder.
and then, oh joy! i discovered the magical pillow configuration (cue the paradise music). since i found the squashy couch immanently more comfortable (and 10's pillowtop guest bed in Sac) it stood to reason i needed more give (we have an extra firm organic rubber mattress with a wool mattress pad primarily so we can avoid the toxic off-gassing of most american beds. euro beds for reasons established elsewhere do not contain toxic chemicals.) so we doubled up a thick comforter and last night a down comforter as well on my side of the bed which is now raised above T.'s side six inches and that--plus a folded towel under my side and the pregnancy wedge pillow jammed in the small of my back for anti-tipping (any comments about cow-tipping will earn you stinkeye, a knuckle sandwich and The Finger)--did it. i'm still test-sleeping the diameter of the leg pillow also called gối ôm|hugging pillow in vinamese though for obvious reasons i call them phallic pillows.
so why am i up at 4am? the other pregnancy thing. i'm hungry. waiting for my hardboiled egg to cook. (my genius tip for peeling hardboiled eggs: using a teaspoon crack the wide end of the egg where the air pocket is. peel off just the air pocket. dip the spoon in the water and then slip in between the egg & membrane. circle the egg as you work your way towards the small end. the shell should peel off whole or in a long strip. this doesn't work as well with soft-boiled eggs because the membrane clings a little harder to the egg but still is easier than manual peeling.)
btw we heard bé's heartbeat at our prenatal on saturday. we gave in to the doppler. T. was more assured by hearing it than me, but then i have bé to keep me acrobatic company all day & night. still haven't conclusively ruled twins out. belly growth in next few weeks will really be diagnostic.
Friday, October 5, 2007
my grandmother whups đít
you ever feel like scientists/researchers lack common sense? and maybe some home-training by their grandmothers? as my bà ngoại likes to say "đá cho mày mà đá bây giờ!|i'm gonna kick your ass!"
anthropologist researchers "discover" that grandmothers are productive members of society and have a social-evolutionary role that prolongs longevity & survival in non-industrialized societies. whether its childrearing or economic production, grandmothers the world over hold their own and keep families alive. grandmothers are powerful.
it's a sad commentary on the patriarchal nuclearization of the modern american household in the industrial capitalist era that somehow that piece of info should be revelatory. elders are denied dignity and a social role in this society. i have only to visit the nursing home where my bà ngoại is staying until she's well enough to have the feeding tube taken out to get depressed & indignant about how this society treats its elders. or as i learned in high school with the few non-immigrant schoolmates (and in that area of town, they were white trash and/or military brats), the kids would get kicked out or forced to pay rent at 18 and then they in turn would stick their parents in nursing homes as soon as they got the chance. karmic payback.
we need a council of grandmothers in government. maybe they could make sense of the billions of dollars spent on the war machine, profiteers, and cutthroat mercenaries and straighten out our nonsensical health care system, public education and social security/elder care.
anthropologist researchers "discover" that grandmothers are productive members of society and have a social-evolutionary role that prolongs longevity & survival in non-industrialized societies. whether its childrearing or economic production, grandmothers the world over hold their own and keep families alive. grandmothers are powerful.
it's a sad commentary on the patriarchal nuclearization of the modern american household in the industrial capitalist era that somehow that piece of info should be revelatory. elders are denied dignity and a social role in this society. i have only to visit the nursing home where my bà ngoại is staying until she's well enough to have the feeding tube taken out to get depressed & indignant about how this society treats its elders. or as i learned in high school with the few non-immigrant schoolmates (and in that area of town, they were white trash and/or military brats), the kids would get kicked out or forced to pay rent at 18 and then they in turn would stick their parents in nursing homes as soon as they got the chance. karmic payback.
we need a council of grandmothers in government. maybe they could make sense of the billions of dollars spent on the war machine, profiteers, and cutthroat mercenaries and straighten out our nonsensical health care system, public education and social security/elder care.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
the quickening
no, the quickening is not when the lifeforce of one beheaded Immortal is released into another. yet another violent metaphoric co-optation of birth. (and unbelievably, T. has yet to see The Highlander. where was he in the 80s?! he never heard Sean Connery say in his thick scottish brogue "there can only be one!" what a deprived childhood. i sense Highlander film fest!)
the Quickening is the moment when the baby's movement is intuited by the mother. by pre-technology/pre-20th century standards, it is the beginning of Life.
now the darling pregnancy books all say that it starts after 16 weeks when the bones begin to harden (most primaparous/firsttime mothers feel it around 20 weeks) and that it feels like butterflies or fluttering. how precious.
so not what i am feeling. i thought the gurgling, twinges and uterine cramp-stretching i've been feeling over the last two weeks was gas or uterine growth or ligaments adjusting to the prenatal chiro. and then as trung lay his palm over my abdomen a few nights ago and felt the erratic pulsing himself, it dawned on us, that's bé and s/he is seriously punching me! now it makes sense why a few weeks ago (at 16.5 weeks), i woke T. up in the middle of the night hollering in my sleep "STOP POKING ME!" i wish i could say it's precious being kicked in the cojones by tiny paws. it rather feels like kittens in one's sweater--squirming into a toasty position and then a rumpus when rồngtý picks a fight with tiêntý's tail and then they squirm into a new cozy position. bé likes to use my bladder as a gas pedal "đi mao len đi má!|go, mommy go!"
it is rather endearing though. we still haven't heard the bé's heartbeat on the fetascope, but we can *hear* bé moving--rather, elbowing me womb, must be T.'s karate genes--with the fetascope. (is there two? how can bé move so fast from one end of my uterus to the other?) i like that our first proof of Life is a shared, sensory/sensual experience, both our hands on my belly, and not from some device.
i swear it's just eating very well at 10 & 11's wedding weekend, but i didn't flatten out the next morning. lots of good food (and a wee bit of caffeine). major overnight growth spurt. i could hardly sleep for all the womb-commotion. we're in official baby bump territory.
the transformation to motherhood is a trip. your skin stretches, your womb expands, your heart grows, your soul unfolds.
the Quickening is the moment when the baby's movement is intuited by the mother. by pre-technology/pre-20th century standards, it is the beginning of Life.
now the darling pregnancy books all say that it starts after 16 weeks when the bones begin to harden (most primaparous/firsttime mothers feel it around 20 weeks) and that it feels like butterflies or fluttering. how precious.
so not what i am feeling. i thought the gurgling, twinges and uterine cramp-stretching i've been feeling over the last two weeks was gas or uterine growth or ligaments adjusting to the prenatal chiro. and then as trung lay his palm over my abdomen a few nights ago and felt the erratic pulsing himself, it dawned on us, that's bé and s/he is seriously punching me! now it makes sense why a few weeks ago (at 16.5 weeks), i woke T. up in the middle of the night hollering in my sleep "STOP POKING ME!" i wish i could say it's precious being kicked in the cojones by tiny paws. it rather feels like kittens in one's sweater--squirming into a toasty position and then a rumpus when rồngtý picks a fight with tiêntý's tail and then they squirm into a new cozy position. bé likes to use my bladder as a gas pedal "đi mao len đi má!|go, mommy go!"
it is rather endearing though. we still haven't heard the bé's heartbeat on the fetascope, but we can *hear* bé moving--rather, elbowing me womb, must be T.'s karate genes--with the fetascope. (is there two? how can bé move so fast from one end of my uterus to the other?) i like that our first proof of Life is a shared, sensory/sensual experience, both our hands on my belly, and not from some device.
i swear it's just eating very well at 10 & 11's wedding weekend, but i didn't flatten out the next morning. lots of good food (and a wee bit of caffeine). major overnight growth spurt. i could hardly sleep for all the womb-commotion. we're in official baby bump territory.
the transformation to motherhood is a trip. your skin stretches, your womb expands, your heart grows, your soul unfolds.
Monday, October 1, 2007
irreverend L.
weo, i officiated my first wedding ceremony for my friends 10 and 11.
it was a magical and lovely wedding weekend in the "Hamptons" of the bay area--aka Stinsons Beach. i feel very honored and blessed to have shared such an intimate heartfelt experience. there is something very special about being the celebrant and guiding a couple through that sacred rite of passage. maybe i was born to be a priestess--albeit a pagan one. and i conducted the ceremony barefoot & pregnant. hah. the bride was lovely and stunning in a red and white floral summery halter top. and the groom was fine in his white linen suit and red pinstripe button-up (although i do feel wierd saying that about a man i consider my cousin).
to prepare 10 & 11, eons ago i shared a wedding ceremony template borrowed from my neighbor, a native elder & spiritual leader, for my own commitment ceremony and had them answer questions about marriage, their relationship, challenges, why they love each other. deep stuff and humorous. (T. and i are considering photocopying their answers and distributing them at this weekend's reception.) they gave me feedback on what they wanted to see in their ceremony, meaningful cultural rituals, and then gave me their responses and the beginnings of their vows (which like every other couple planning a wedding they didn't finish til the last minute). i had wrote much of the ceremony months ago--one of the few things in life i didn't procrastinate on. i've been waiting for this day practically since i've known 10 nine years ago. Love is a great motivator.
folks enjoyed the ceremony. like 10 & 11, it was generous, tender, inclusive, loving and irreverent. just to give an idea, their commitment was sealed with diamond-encrusted gold horseshoe rings inherited from 11's parents from the 1970s and their vows included things like "fried chicken" and "lactose intolerance" amongst all the soul-deep love.
i was requested to share my "sermon." so here it is, minus the stuff that doesn't belong to me (readings, vows, etc).
WELCOME
Greetings and blessings, kindred. We are gathered today in Community and Love to rejoice in the union of two giving and compassionate Souls, 10 and 11.
All of us here have shared in the long journey of their relationship as it has ebbed and flowed over many moons and many years of their lives. And through it all, all the sea of heartaches and all the oceans of joy, they have held each other in their hearts, closer than breath, more precious than water. 11, you were always the constant ocean to her moon. 10, you always gave him the universe to be his whole self. The changes and growth you have experienced in your times apart have ultimately drawn you back together. That is truly a rare and precious gift.
We as your family, your friends, your community, we have collectively supported you both as individuals and as a couple in embarking on this path together. And today, we share in this blessing of your marriage, and with Heaven and Earth, bear witness to your spiritual commitment to one another.
MOMENT OF REFLECTION
Our tears today are tears of Joy; tears that taste like Love itself. In Vietnamese we say, Uống nước nhớ nguồn. As you drink water, remember its source. As we drink in the Love and Joy, let us take a communal moment of spiritual reflection to remember, to breathe deeply, to invoke ancestors and loved ones who cannot be here with us today, to feel their Presence and Love surrounding, guiding, and blessing this union.
PAUSE
MESSAGE
10 and 11 prepared for this moment, this ceremony—you might say they’ve been preparing for it nearly half their lives—to infuse it with their understandings and beliefs, personality & humor. To 11 and 10, marriage means a lifelong spiritual commitment to share in life’s journey as two strong individuals building an even stronger relationship because of all the challenges they’ve faced as a couple over the last 15 years. This is a union based on shared values & political principles, balancing individual identities, shared responsibility, expectations, limitations and boundaries.
10, 11, this spiritual connection shared with each another you have inscribed with your own secret map and legend written by your shared memories, matured communication, constant laughter, support, love and hopes for your shared future. The pathway to Love's communion reflects your continual struggle and growth as a couple, as future parents, and as members of this community. Through this union you will gain patience and your two families--the B's and the T's--will forever be joined through you.
Visionary bell hooks speaks of Love as a choice. It is a choice that is transformative, centered in sharing and mutuality, and built through Justice.
She writes, “When we commit to true love, we are committed to Being Changed, to being acted upon by the Beloved in a way that enables us to be more fully self-actualized. This [mutual] commitment to change is Chosen. . . True love is unconditional, but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change. The Heartbeat of True Love is the willingness to reflect on one’s actions, and to process and communicate this reflection with the loved one.”
Like many meaningful life-passages, your union today is for us, what hooks calls “the fabulous moment of Pause where we begin to contemplate the true Meaning of Love in our lives. We begin to see clearly how much love matters, not the old patriarchal versions of ‘love’ but a deeper understanding of LOVE AS A TRANSFORMATIONAL FORCE demanding of each individual Accountability and Responsibility for nurturing our spiritual growth.”
11 and 10, in your old life before this day you were two friends, two sometime lovers; henceforth you become one Family and we all bear witness to the birth of your Union in Love. As your kindred and community, we are bound with our presence to support your choice to commit to each other, to ground you, and be an active presence in the endurance of your relationship. So as you embark on this new life together as a family, you both have a sacred responsibility to each other, to your united families and your community, a commitment to struggle and change, a willingness to love and through that love, be transformed.
Two lovely readings from an Ilocano poem and Kahlil Gibran & an original song by I-80.VOWS OF INTENT
This day of uniting and commitment is sanctified by the deepest yearnings of our souls for unity, communion with the spiritual, and for the chance to transform ourselves.
10 and 11, from the depths of your souls, speak now the vows you have written for each other.
the vows were classically them.
RING EXCHANGE
The ring is a symbol of the cycles of renewal and life, một lời vâng tạc đá-vàng thủy-chung, a vow of constancy etched in stone and gold. Auspicious horseshoe rings.
very lovely ring exchange vows.
COMMUNITY BLESSING
When two souls come together in spiritual communion, we rejoice in Love and Hope.
11 and 10 wholeheartedly believe in the joining of their families, friends, and community as part of their commitment to one another. They welcome you, their guests, to lift your voices in short and simple blessings on this day. If the spirit moves you, please share a blessing now.
lots of "Gazebos!"
PRONOUNCEMENT
10 and 11,
As you made your decision to commit to this union based on Love,
Let Love be the guiding force in your marriage;
May Love soften the edges of anger and melt away selfishness;
Let Love give you the patience, the grace and the strength to change together.
As your kin & community, We now pronounce you life partners. Blessed be.
KISS. Duh.
CLOSING
Community please blow kisses to 10 & 11.
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