20 weeks

i feel pregnant.

um, no duh, right? somewhere in the last few weeks the whole enterprise became real to me. maybe it was the baby quickening or the way my belly doubled in size between week 16 and now (i've gained 3 inches on my bust & hips and 7 inches on my waist since B.P. hubba hubba) or the lack of any of the "typical" signs of pregnancy (no vomiting, nausea, or bizarre midnite cravings). somewhere along the way, it became real. the baby became real.

did i mention the sleep deprivation? oh yes, prolly cuz i have back issues to begin with, i have increasingly gotten less and less restful sleep as the nighttime peeing has not abated and as the pressure on my spine made it impossible to sleep on my back (my favored position since slipping down some stairs years ago. twice.) nor on my side. the sense of my center of gravity being pulled forward and the tendency to swayback & slouch has me all off kilter. let me not underplay this, my spine hurts. my leftside nerves are literally fried. if you have ever had spinal/nerve injuries you understand the agony. i spent all of sunday on the couch just to recuperate from the lack of sleep the rest of the week (in addition to recovering from working overtime).

formerly pregnant women (aka mothers) talk about pillows. so many pillows your partner is exiled to sleep on the couch. mythical pillows. i tried every position, arrangement and pillow in the house--the bradley method (yes, there's a bradley method of sleeping. bradley is a husband coached natural childbirth method. not the same thing as Lamaze which is designed to facilitate the hospital staff's process of birth and has a 80-90% incidence of medicated birth.), pillows under my side & head and between the legs; i tried a pregnancy wedge, sofa throw pilllows. to no avail. i understand now why some pregnant women drop some serious cash on these ginormous pregnancy pillows (what do they do in VN where the wood "dining" table is the bed?). it steadily got worse over the last couple of weeks til i was reduced to tears of exhaustion. and even pregnant, i still don't cry easily. in that state if any mother said boo to me about pillows i prolly would have snarled and gone for the jugular. so it was a good thing i wasnt around any that particular meltdown day. though i won't vouchsafe for T. or my co-workers' post-L. stress disorder.

and then, oh joy! i discovered the magical pillow configuration (cue the paradise music). since i found the squashy couch immanently more comfortable (and 10's pillowtop guest bed in Sac) it stood to reason i needed more give (we have an extra firm organic rubber mattress with a wool mattress pad primarily so we can avoid the toxic off-gassing of most american beds. euro beds for reasons established elsewhere do not contain toxic chemicals.) so we doubled up a thick comforter and last night a down comforter as well on my side of the bed which is now raised above T.'s side six inches and that--plus a folded towel under my side and the pregnancy wedge pillow jammed in the small of my back for anti-tipping (any comments about cow-tipping will earn you stinkeye, a knuckle sandwich and The Finger)--did it. i'm still test-sleeping the diameter of the leg pillow also called gối ôm|hugging pillow in vinamese though for obvious reasons i call them phallic pillows.

so why am i up at 4am? the other pregnancy thing. i'm hungry. waiting for my hardboiled egg to cook. (my genius tip for peeling hardboiled eggs: using a teaspoon crack the wide end of the egg where the air pocket is. peel off just the air pocket. dip the spoon in the water and then slip in between the egg & membrane. circle the egg as you work your way towards the small end. the shell should peel off whole or in a long strip. this doesn't work as well with soft-boiled eggs because the membrane clings a little harder to the egg but still is easier than manual peeling.)

btw we heard bé's heartbeat at our prenatal on saturday. we gave in to the doppler. T. was more assured by hearing it than me, but then i have bé to keep me acrobatic company all day & night. still haven't conclusively ruled twins out. belly growth in next few weeks will really be diagnostic.