little musings

today was rough.

i was vomiting bile from the time i got up and couldn't keep anything down. midwife thinks its morning sickness. i'm a little disgruntled and grumpy by the idea that somehow morning sickness could skip over the entire first trimester and pimp-slap me in my 4th month. i now appreciate how easy i had it and how it could make a woman reconsider having another child.

since it was my last day in the office before my mini-break to see family in San Diego, i had to drag myself in and do payroll (i hope staff appreciates their paycheck!) and all the time-sensitive tasks for the 30th Anniversary Gala at my social justice day-job of which i am the chair having been nominated & voted in by default of being the only non-busy person at the time and virtue of the fact that i had recently put together my wedding (a fulltime job in and of itself), and am the first to volunteer to plan all the office parties, and was therefore the "ideal event planner". i have to fundraise $60K gross. we're about $4k along with less than two months to go. i'm only slightly nervous.

so i held it together for the first hour of a morning program staff meeting i had forgotten about and then passed out on the sofa nearby, absorbing the rest of the meeting via osmosis. i managed to get most everything followed up & in motion with a slurry of emails and headed home early afternoon.

i think either it was the lack of vegetables this weekend since i was at 2 BBQs and hooters (who knew it was so family-friendly. the kids practically outnumbered the adults!). or perhaps its the psycho-somatic thing i've heard about, how emotional well-being impacts your health particularly when you are so pregnant-sensitive and is particularly connected with morning sickness.

today was also my dad's solar death anniversary. twenty years.

it just sorrows me that he'll know know his grandchild in this life. never hứng or cuddle or mock bite or gently tease til bé shrieks with delight. of course my stepdad will be there for bé
and be all those things for her/him. he loves babies unreservedly. and he is a responsible, kind, loving and generous person. they only time i didnt get along with him was those rebellious teenage years. if anything T. is similar to him, a Southerner, though T's a light-skinded one. what they say about marrying your father... my sis and i both married Snakes, like our stepdad. i don't lack for loving Asian men in my life and i'm not playing out my father issues in my relationships unlike say AmyTan kinds of Asian-American women.

and still... i miss Ba, his voice, the distinctive malarial timbre of his cough, the raspiness of his facial hair and how he would tickle me with it, the sound of his laughter, his genuine amusement at my small defiances, his smell, his hugs and kisses soothing me. all the ephemeralia that i can no longer recall, dimmed by time's passage.

here comes the bile again
fallin on my head like a memory
raining on my head like a new emotion